Teenager: Dad, did you hear that Jake broke up with Taylor? Dad: Oh no, another album.

One night I was feeling lonely, so I went to my girlfriend's house. She wasn't expecting me, but I was able to calm her down. She was a bit hesitant, but I didn't think anything of it. I got her into the bed finally, and you know what happens next. In the morning, when I woke up she was still asleep. So I got up and left quietly. On the way back home I felt a little bad but I didn't know why. And then it hit me. I don't have a girlfriend.

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day, when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis. "Incredible!" says his friend. "Medical science is amazing." Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing foo

This is not supposed to be funny. I want to make a public apology for the temper tantrum I threw earlier today. I still don't get it but I am sorry for blaming everyone else for my problems. AC3P1L07 P.S. please vote this as funny so more people will see it.

*Think of a letter between ** A and W. .. .. .. .. .. .. Repeat it out loud as you scroll down. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. **Keep going . . .. .. .. .. .. .. ** Don't stop ** .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. Think of an **animal **that begins **with that letter .. .. .. . . .. . .. .. Repeat it out loud as you scroll down. .. .. . .. .. .. .. .. Think of either a **man's/woman's ** name ** that **begins with the ** last letter** **in the animal's name .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ** .. .. .. .. .. .. .. Almost there....... .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. Now .. .. .. *count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. Take the hand you counted with a

Give blood. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Go skateboarding.

A woman went in for a breast exam. The doctor said, "Have a seat. I have to numb your breasts first." The woman said, "Okay." So the doctor put his face between her breasts and said, "Numb, numb, numb, numb, numb."

What does a grape say when it gets squished? Nothing, it just lets out a little whine.

I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

Darwin's Answer: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. Another of Darwin's Answers: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads. Johnny Cochran 's Answer: Because the road was black and the chicken was white. We must acquit. Snoop Dogg 's Answer: This (censored) fool of a chicken didn't (censored) know what the (censored) he was doin crossin a (censored) alley in (censored) Harlem at 1:00 in the (censored) mornin'. Bill Cosby 's Answer: Weeelll, ya see, the chicken crossed the road, and to get... to...the jello pudding pops. Homer Simpson 's Answer: There was free beer on

I decided to kill the sexiest person alive, but then I realized suicide is illegal.

Q: How do you help a starving cannibal? A: Give him a hand!