Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems." So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans. A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country, she called her husband and told him she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she co

Yo Mama's so ugly, just after she was born, her mother said, "What a treasure!" and her dad said, "Yeah! Let's go bury it!"

When everything is coming your way, you're on the wrong side of the freeway.

Yo mama so fat when she sat on a rainbow skittles came out!

One day Little Red Riding Hood was walking in the woods. She put her head between some bushes and suddenly she sees the wolf with his eyes wide open and red. She asks him, "Why are your eyes so big, wolf?" The wolf answers, "Shut up and let me shit in peace!"

A Grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning when he had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV-'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

Knock-Knock Who's There? Rita Rita who? Rita book, you might learn something!

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale." A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish." The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that." The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish. His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"

Children in the back of the car cause accidents. Accidents in the back of the car cause children

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink. How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path. How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it. How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb? She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment." What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Dam". What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones. What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? Nati

A man had just moved from his big apartment in NYC, to a big farm way out in the country side. Just days after he moved, he realized he was out of chicken feed, so he went down to the nearest store. (a good 2-hour drive away). "Can I get me some chicken feed?" the man asked. "Yup, but ya can't have none unless you can prove to me you actually got chickens. Don't want no one eatin' it or nothin' an' gettin' sick," the clerk responded. He argued with her a bit, but finally gave in and took a two hour drive back and forth once again, this time with the chicken. "Here's my chicken. Now get me the chicken feed." He got his feed and drove home. The next day he ran out of dog food for his dog. O

George W Bush wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it. He instructed his Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international quality. When the stamps were released, Bush heard complaints that the stamps were not sticking properly, and he become furious. He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter. The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Bush. He said, "Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"