Beer... it's the cause and solution to all men's problems!

Here are some lessons leaned from the experiences of a number of would-be bank robbers. Pick The Right Bank: You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. Study Your History: Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans. Speak To The Right Teller: One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her fathe

Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse. Picking your nose when no one else is looking is still picking your nose. Just keep banging until someone opens the door. Making your bed is a waste of time. There is no good reason why clothes have to match. Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to. You work so hard pedalling up the hill that you hate to brake on the way down. You can't ask to start over just because you're losing the game.

Deer Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Friend, Billy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell. Santa *********************************************** Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours! SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours! HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance? SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too! HE: How did you get to be so beautiful? SHE: I must have been given your share! HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday? SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend! HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out! SHE: Okay, get out! HE: I think I could make you very happy SHE: Why? Are you leaving? HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me? SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time! HE: Can I have your name? SHE: Why, don't you already have one? HE: Sh

Dolphins sleep with one eye open. Bulls are color blind. A cow's only sweat glands are in its nose. Mosquitoes have 47 teeth. The Poison Arrow frog has enough poison to kill 2,200 people. Emus can't walk backwards. A group of unicorns is called a blessing. A group of kangaroos is called a mob. A group of owls is called a parliament. A group of ravens is called a murder. A group of bears is called a sleuth. Twelve or more cows is called a flink. A baby oyster is called a spat. Some fleas have split penises like a Y shape An elephant can be pregnant for up to 2 years Chickens can't swallow while they are upside down. The average garden-variety caterpillar has 248 muscles in

If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.

Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.

Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.

Billy's teacher sent a note home to Mom saying, "Billy is a very bright boy, but spends much too much time thinking about girls and sex." The next day Mom sent a note back to the teacher saying, "If you happen to find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Dad."

Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law - A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.