Popular Jokes
A sucessful business man became disenchanted with the stress of the fast life in the big city and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and purchases a large ranch in the middle of nowhere in Montana.
After a couple of months of enjoying the solitude, he hears the drumming of hoofbeats outside his cabin. Grabbing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse.
"Hold it, neighbor," the man says, "I'm your neighbor, I have a ranch only six miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting.... We'll have a great time."
Not wanting to be unneighborly the n
There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy.
One day, she went to his parents' house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking, they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before.
She asks the boy, "What are they doing?" He says: "They're making love."
"Well, what's that long thing he's sticking in there?" She asked. "Oh, uh, that's his rope," he answered.
"Well, what are those two round things on the other end?" she asked. He says, "Those are his knots." She says, "Oh, ok, I got it."
As they continue their stroll, they come to
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." - Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" - David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." - A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"Who the hell
So I was out camping and my glasses had broken the day before, so I couldn't wear them. Without my glasses, I can't see anything past 10 feet in front of my face. So I was out camping (W/out glasses) and I go to use the bathroom, and I walk into the wrong one, (and two cute girls were outside picking berries) and I come out and they start to laugh. I found out about two hours later that I walked into the wrong bathroom.
An hour and a half later, i was eating a late lunch/early dinner, and I go to use the bathroom, at this local Texmex resturant, and the bathroom was outside, and I walked into the wrong one again. It was really embarrassing.
PS, I'm not blonde, just on the inside.
Signs of Aging
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing chess.
You're still chasing women but can't remember why.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."
You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than
romantic ones.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
Yo Momma so poor she found a ciagarette on the ground and said, "Honey, we got a fire tonight!"
An recent Italian immigrant to New York wanted a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Dat is easy." And he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Italian.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but thi s time the number is 99."
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has ust drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches hi
One day a pretty lady was driving through the desert and her car broke down. In the distance, she sees an indian riding a horse. He rides over to her and offers her a lift to the nearest gas station and she happily accepts. On the way to the gas station, the indian would let out a, "Woo Hoo, Yipee!" every few seconds. The lady just figured that he was being an Indian and ignored it.
When they finally got to the gas station and the Indian had left, the guy that worked at the gas station asked, "What was his problem?" The lady responded, "I don't know, I was just holding onto his saddle horn."
The guy replied, "Lady, Indians don't use saddles!"
A woman was about to have a set of triplets. While in the womb, the triplets were trying to figure out what they wanted to be when they grew up. The first one said that he wanted to be an electrician, and the others asked him why.
He said, "So I can get some light in this place." The second one said that he wanted to be a plumber, because their house was flooded. The third said that he wanted to be a trapper. The other two asked him why he wanted to do that and he said "So I can catch that damn weasel that keeps poking its head in and out of here."
Alabama
*It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
*Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
*It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.
~~~
California
*Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
*Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
*Bathhouses are against the law. [Get the full text of this law.]
*It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
*Women may not drive in a house coat.
~~~
Florida
*Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
*A special law prohibits unmarried women fr
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