"Hey," says Jim, "this match won't light!" "Strange," says Ned,. "It worked okay this morning."

A man walked into a café and he said, "Could I have a breakfast". The cafe owner said, "Certainly, sir". He said, "But could you do it my way". The owner says, "What's your way". He says, "I want a fried egg that's been over-cooked so it's got a rubbery texture so I can bounce it up and down on the floor, I want bacon that's so brittle that when I stab my fork in it it springs around the room, I want baked beans that are cold in the middle, hot on the outside, I also want fried bread that's dripping in grease with no crispy bits". The owner says, "I haven't got time to do all that". The man says, "Well, you f*cking found time yesterday!"

The teacher told one kid, "You're going to flunk this subject because you haven't finished your homework assignments." The kid said, "Good. I flunked all the other ones because I'm stupid."

A man was walking through Beverly Hills selling door to door what he claimed to be the "Magic Elixir of Life". Of course, the police arrested him and ran a computer check of him. They found the man had quite a long record of such dealings. He was first arrested for that type of crime in 1660.

In a recent review, The Weird Gamers rated popular game, Grand Theft Auto IV 3.14 out of 10. They said it was pirated.

An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat. "My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?" "Yes," said the Navy brat. "My dad has built them." Then the navy kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?" "Yes." "It's my dad who's killed it!"

Honecker and Mielke are discussing their hobbies. Honecker: "I collect all the jokes about me that are in circulation." Mielke: "Then we have almost the same hobby. I collect those who bring the jokes into circulation."

What's the difference between an HO-sausage and Sputnik? They've officially confirmed that Sputnik 2 had a dog in it.

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the town's preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry

An actual sign outside a house: The dog is okay. Beware of the owner

A beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane... The lady said to him, "Can you help me remove something from my breast please?" The exciting young man replied, "Wow! It will be my pleasure... So what is it?" "Your eyes, idiot!"