My mom had just placed some flypaper out when my little cousin wandered in. She was fascinated watching the flies get caught. Finally, my mom asked, "Molly, don't you have flies in your house?" "Yeah, we have flies. We just don't have anything for them to sit on."

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!" MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?" MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?" HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!" COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!" BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you - quit playing ball in the h

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!" CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you - don't go biting off more than you can chew!" ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?" BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple." MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you." BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the

Why was the little pointy-eared boy down in the dumps? He had low elf-esteem. Why does Santa Claus come down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.

Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can. Internationally, Baywatch is the most popular TV show in history. Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands. The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. There are more chickens than people in the world. There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewable Vitamins.

One day, Little Johnny and his family went for a walk they saw two dogs having sex, girl on top of boy. Johnny didn't know much about sex, so his parents didn't say anything. Later that night, Johnny's parents were having sex and Johnny walked in on them. Before his parent's could say anything, Johnny yelled out, "Mom get on top of dad. Hurry, because I want a puppy!!"

#1 In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed. #2 Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside. #3 Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams. #4 It cost the soft drink industry $100 million a year for thefts committed involving vending machines. #5 The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year. #6 The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust. #7 Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters. #8 Men's shirts have the buttons on the right, but women's shirts have the buttons on the left. #9 Mickey Mouse is known as "Topoli

170 The Cape of Good Hope is located in South Africa 171 Heathrow Airport is located in London 172 The neon lamp was invented by Georges Claude 173 The last letter of the Greek alphabet is Omega 174 The place known as the land of Lincoln is Illinois 175 The US state Utah is also known as the Beehive state 176 The Kalahari desert is located in Africa 177 The Pentagonian desert is located in Argentina 178 The person known as the father of aeronautics is Sir George Cayley 179 The most densely populated Island in the world is Honshu 180 The two nations Haiti and the Dominion Republic together form the Island of Hispaniola 181 The largest auto producer in the USA is General Motors 182 The largest

How do you know when you've had enough sex? When you die from AIDS!

Why does a dog have fur? 'Cause if he didn't he'd be a little "bare"!

One day after a birthday party at the jumper house, a young blond told her mother: Mommy, Mommy, I'm soooooo generous! When I was about to go into the jumpers, I found so many shoes and took them to the lost and found! Aren't I soooooo generous?