What's the difference between the Library of Congress and the House of Representatives? In the Library of Congress you're not allowed to lick the pages!

Two jackrabbits are running from a pack of coyotes they manage to hide under a cactus. One says to the other: "Should we run for it, or wait till we outnumber 'em?"

Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offense. "You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty days' pay," said the officer. "All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."

While I was visiting my sister one evening, I took out a candy dispenser that was shaped like a miniature person. "How does that thing work?" she asked. As I turned the figurine's arm to pop candy out, my sister laughed. "I see ... it's a lot like my husband," she said. "You have to twist his arm to get anything out of him."

A group of nuns was traveling in a car when it had a flat tire. They got out and attempted to change it, but being rather unworldly, they had no idea how to go about it. Fortunately, a truck came along and the driver offered to change it for them. They gratefully accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-bitch!" he screamed. "Sir, that is inappropriate language," the eldest nun said. "We understand you're upset, but must you use such language?" "My apologies, Sister," he replied, and tried again. It slipped again and nearly smashed his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch!" he screamed. "Please, sir, we would ask you again to not use such language," the nun scold

If four people are standing under an umbrella and the umbrella has a hole in it, how many people are getting wet? None. It wasn't raining!

An old preacher was just getting out of church and was driving home through his neighborhood. As he was turning the corner of one of the major streets in his neighborhood, he noticed 3 boys playing dice on the sidewalk, and betting money along with it. The old preacher thinks to himself how awful the situation is, that these young children are already heading down the life of sin and he should do something to stop it. The old preacher pulls over and gets out on the opposite side of the street and starts walking over to the boys. He calls out to the oldest looking one and asked the boy to "come here" so that as he's walking towards the boys, the oldest boy would be walking towards him. Wh

Q: What kind of soup do dogs like? A: Chicken Poodle! ___________________________________________ Q: Why DIDN'T the skeleton cross the road? A: Because he didn't have the guts! ___________________________________________ Q: What's purple and makes you burp? A: BELCH'S Grape Juice!

A blonde is taking an interview, and the examiner is asking some general questions. "What is the boiling temperature of water?" "I am not sure." "Miss, either you know it or you don't know it." "No, I am still not sure." "The boiling temperature of water is 100 degrees!" "Ok, so it's the right angle that boils at 90 degrees?"

An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me beck the party!" She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again." He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party." She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again." He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it you-know-vere!" And he hangs up. Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We've come to take your telephone out." He says, "Vy?" They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago, but if you'd like to call up and apologize,

man having problems with premature ejaculation, went to the doctor to see what to do about it.doctor said try startling your self if you feel the urge to ejaculate.on the way home he buys a starter pistol. the guy excited to try the new idea, went home and was suprised to find his wife in the bed.after few minutes of fore play they were in the 69 position he was going to ejaculate so he fires the gun. his wife shits on his face bites 3 inchs off his dick and he still ejaculates prematurly.

An elderly couple was having a conversation, and the wife asked her husband a simple question :- "Boxers or briefs?" Her husband replied :- "Depends."