My daughter was going over to the neighbor's house to visit but didn't want to miss a call from her boyfriend so she took the cordless phone with her. While at the neighbor's she wanted to check back at home to see if her younger brother was okay. My daughter then picked up the neighbor's phone and dialed our number. While waiting for someone to answer the phone at home, the phone she brought over with her began to ring. She immediately hung up the neighbor's phone and answered our phone. There was no one there. She wanted to know who it was who called so she used our phone to call our house. The line was busy. Getting very frustrated she left the neighbor's to go home and see who was on the

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk. Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick. Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit. Tauru

Honeywell & Imasco & Home Oil = Honey, I'm Home. Denison Mines & Alliance & Metal Mining = Mine, All Mine. 3M & JC Penney & Canadian Opera Company = 3 Penney Opera. Crabtree & Evelyn and Apple Computer = Crab Apple. Swissair & Cheseborough-Ponds = Swisscheese. John Deere & Abitibi-Price = Deere Abi. And don't forget the failed merger between Yahoo and Netscape: Net'n'Yahoo. It didn't work out because they were afraid they would have to relocate the headquarters to Tel Aviv.

ALL DIET FAQ's answered... Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a lamb eat? Leaves and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a kabab is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Its only the misconception, that narrow minded people have. So, Bottoms up! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT

WARNING: This describes the cruel, mental torture of innocent toy store employees. Readers under the age of 13 should be accompanied by an adult. An "Anti-shopping" Trip with the Los Angeles Cacophony Society by Rev. Al I had been thinking for a long time about making cement filled teddy bears. I wasn't exactly sure why. At first it was just a perceptual curiosity I wanted to experience, and I wanted others to experience: the idea of being handed what appeared to be a fluffy stuffed animal, only to have it go tearing through your relaxed fingers like a lead meteor. The Christmas shopping season seemed an ideal time to get them on the shelves of Los Angeles toy stores, so late in Novembe

* You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. Ipledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me... * (Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot. * You have reached 934-2435. We picke

This guy comes walking out of a store carrying a big grandfather's clock. A drunk man bumps into him and the guy drops the clock and smashes it all to hell. The guy says, "Why don't you watch where you're going?" and the drunk says, "Why don't you carry a wrist watch like everybody else?"

Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can. Internationally, Baywatch is the most popular TV show in history. Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands. The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common? Somebody's fixin' to lose them a house trailer.

# 31 Canola oil is actually rapeseed oil but the name was changed in Canada for marketing reasons. # 32 The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA. # 33 The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb # 34 1 in 2000 babies are born with a tooth that is already visible. # 35 The straw was probably invented by Egyptian brewers to taste in-process beer without removing the fermenting ingredients which floated on the top. # 36 The New York Stock Exchange started out as a coffee house. # 37 Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unw

A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining site at a campground. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils. Impressed, a nearby camper sauntered over and said to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork." "I have a system," the father replied. "No one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

Once there was a woman taking a shower when she heard a knock on door. A voice called, "It's me, the fireman." So the woman wrapped a towel around herself and went to the door. The fireman said, "Congratulate me, I just put out a fire!" So the woman congratulated him and went back to her shower. Then she heard another knock on her door and a voice called, "It's me, the policeman". So the woman wrapped a towel around herself and went to the door. The policeman said, "Congratulate me, I just caught a robber". So the woman congratulated him and went back to her shower. But before long she heard another knock on her door and a voice called, "It's me, the blind man," so she didn't bother putting