A man was entering a store when he noticed a sign out by the window saying that there was a contest. He decided to join and went to the counter, the clerk had left and the man saw a piece of paper on the counter. He picked it up, and said, Answers to the Contest: #1 is dog. #2 is Big Fat Sucker and #3 is Alaska. Host: Okay, you know the rules, for each question you get right, you get one submitting, there will also be a jackpot question, if you get right you will win $500.00 Man: OK, I'm ready Host: Okay, so what is the animal that flys and sucks the blood out of you? Man: A dog! Host: No, it's a vampire bat. Okay, next question, how did George W. Bush describe himself as? Man: A

A few months after his parents were divorced, Nick passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Nick ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

I went for a 5 mile run today. 2 laps around yo mum!

iPhone is a revolutionary portable communications device, and now it's gotten even better with the iPhone 3G. Keeping your calendar up-to-date is a snap. You can go back to the day you spent $600 on the first generation iPhone, then scroll forward to see the day the price was lowered by $200. You can even view pictures of your reaction when you found out you might as well have thrown $200 bills into a urinal. And peed on them. Use the all-new scientific calculator to tally how much the new iPhone 3G is going to cost you, factoring in the 15 to 25 percent increase in monthly service charges. Don't forget to subtract what you could sell your first generation iPhone for. The new iPhone has GPS,

I have no soul. yes, Thats why I'm an asshole! I have somethin' up my ass and no, that ain't no mole. I pick on everybody 'cause I'm a nobody. My girlfriend left me. Sometimes I go crazy and go out in the streets and yell "COME FUCK ME!" Everyone asks me, "Hey, whats up your ass!".Yeah I know I've sucked a lot of ass. The juices, oh, they are delicious as they come to pass. As I sit behind my computer and write jokes, my mother chokes On my cock. And I hear a knock. And who is it? Its my friend, a Gay. So, I send my mother away. I do it hardcore. I wont let him go 'til his ass is sore Even though my dick is inches-four. I have nothing to do 'cept suck on my dirty socks 'cause I am such

The similarity of all the people that live is that they are alive and they are living.

Johnny comes home from school, and shouts, "Mother!" Mother calls from upstairs, "If you wish to speak to me, come upstairs so you don't have to shout." When Johnny gets upstairs, she says, "Now, what did you want to say to me?" "Just that I trod in some dog do, but it seems to have gone now!"

The only person in our town who can afford to go on a jaguar is a zoo-keeper.

What did the father buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? - Bison!

An old lady walks into a bank and says, "I would like to set up an account." The man at the desk says, "Okay, how much would you like to deposit?" The woman replies, "$5,000." "Wow!" says the man, "where did you get all of that?" "I like to make bets." "What type of bets?" The woman replied, "Tomorrow when, I will come in, you will have a butterfly tattoo an your left buttock. I will bet all the money I am about to deposit." "Deal," says the man. The next day the old woman walked in again with her lawyer. the man at the counter pulled down his pants to show the old woman his empty left buttock. "I win!" he said as the woman handed him his money. Behind her, the lawyer put his head

My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will? What will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

A young woman goes shopping and buys one bar of soap, one yogurt, one microwave dinner for one, one apple, and a romance novel. She goes to the checkout stand, where she notices that the clerk is staring at her. Flattered, she flutters her eyelashes and giggles nervously. He says, "Single, huh?" She replies coyly, "How did you guess?" "Because," he says, "You're ugly."