Popular Jokes
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day, an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a sandstorm.
Several days later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained for the entire day.
"This Indian is amazing," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian failed to show up for a couple of weeks.
Finally, the director sent for him. "I have a big scene to shoot tomorrow," the director said, "and I'm counting on you. What will the weather be like?"
"Not know," replied the Indian, shrugging his
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
I see the wheel is spinning, but the hamster looks dead.
If you had another brain, it would be lonely.
·In several places on your tax forms, he's written, "Give or take a million
dollars."
·Tells you to put all your money into British cattle futures.
·You notice that his "calculator" is just a broken VCR remote.
·Insists that there's no such number as four.
·He laughed at the Bob Dole background check.
·Counts family of squirrels living in your yard as dependents.
·Advises you to save postage by filing your taxes telepathically.
·Instead of C.P.A. license, he's got a framed photo of a shirtless Alex Trebek.
·Demands that you call him the "Una-Countant."
·He's got a 1040 Form tattooed on his arm.
You Know You've Been Drinking Way Too Much Coffee When...
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
Your so jittery that people use your hands to shake paint cans.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
When you call radio talk shows, they ask you to turn yourself down.
Your life goal is to amount to a hi
Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
A. Nobody knows. It's never been tried.
101. About 14% of injecting drug users are HIV positive.
102. A word or sentence that is the same front and back (racecar, kayak) is called a "palindrome".
103. A snail can sleep for 3 years.
104. People photocopying their buttocks are the cause of 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide.
105. China has more English speakers than the United States.
106. Finnish folklore says that when Santa comes to Finland to deliver gifts, he leaves his sleigh behind and rides on a goat named Ukko instead. According to French tradition, Santa Claus has a brother named Bells Nichols, who visits homes on New Year's Eve after everyone is asleep, and if a plate is set out for him, he fills it with cookies
Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a saw mill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost my finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here like this...Damn! There goes another one!"
Many of you may be too young to remember U.S. comedian Sam Levenson; he was popular from the 1940s through the mid-1960s. Levenson said things that made sense and it would be a shame if they faded into oblivion, so here are a few of his "nuggets" worth assaying.
1. The first screw to get loose in your head is the one that holds your tongue in place.
2. You're only young once. After that it takes some other excuse for behaving like an idiot.
3. Even if the majority agrees on an idiotic idea, it is still an idiotic idea.
4. There are more important things in life than money. The trouble is they all cost money.
5. On sex education in schools: Let them teach it! If the schools teach sex the
How many moves, at least, are required to stalemate in chess?
Nineteen moves.
1.h4 h5
2.c4 a5
3.Qa4 Ra6
4.Qxa5 Rah6
5.Qxc7 f6
6.Qxd7+ Kf7
7.Qxb7 Qd3
8.Qxb8 Qh7
9.Qxc8 Kg6
10.Qe6
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