Q: Why do elephants have big ears? A: Because Noddy would not pay the ransom!

Yo Mamma soo fat she sat on a quarter and a booger popped out of George Washington's nose

Dear Abby, I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them. I try to stay awake and watch for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my gol

A Mexican, an American, and a Pollock are all in an airplane Flying over Mexico. The Mexican drops a pear on his country. When the American asks why he says he loves his country. Then they're flying over the US and the American drops an apple. When the Pollock asks why he says because he loves his country. Then they're flying over the Pollock's country and the Pollock drops a bomb. When the American and the Mexican ask why he says because he hates his country. A while later the Mexican is walking the streets and he sees a boy who is crying. He asks why and the boy says because a pear fell out of the sky and hit him on the head. The American is walking the streets and he sees a little girl cr

A fact of life: After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung." I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray ban Sunglasses and stared directly at this nosey neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am, that's why she cuts the grass."

Irvin is driving down the freeway to go to work when his cell phone rings. It's his wife: "Irving,I just heard on the news that there's a car going down the freeway in the wrong direction. Please try to be careful." "It's true,"Irving replies,"But not just one car- there are hundreds of them!"

Here are some actual town's names: 1.) Two Egg, a town in Florida, was named for a system of barter used in the area after the Civil War, when two eggs were regularly traded for a bag of tobacco or sugar. 2.) Ed and Uz are the shortest place names in the United States. Both towns are in Kentucky. 3.) Slovenskanarodnapodpornajednota is a town in Pennsylvania. It has one of the longest names in the United States, but it covers only 500 acres and has only 11 residents, one mailbox, and one pay phone. 4.) Onoville, New York, was given this name because each time someone suggested a name at a town council meeting, the person was greeted by a chorus of "Oh, no!" 5.) Show Low is the name

A guy was at a strip club, and he had glitter all over him, but he didn't know it. He got in his car, and drove home, and it was about 11:30 when he got home. His wife was standing at the door when he got home. He kissed her, then told her that he was tired and wanted to go to sleep. His wife stopped him before he went upstairs to their room. She asked, "So why do you have glitter all over you?" Her husband thought quick and replied meekly, "Makin' you a card..."

Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?

Have you ever heard of the kissing shield? No? then look at this list of crazy inventions people just like you made; Kissing shield Face bake Horse diaper Whopper wheels Skateboard pirate Light bulb changer Beach boots Remote controlled horse Flying bike Baby bottom art Pump power Dummy chicken farmer Airplane moisturizer Alarm fork All terrain stroller Aqua swing Baby cage Ball blinders Banana head BIRD CAT TRAP FEEDER Boob tube Boatless water skiing Hijacker detector And many more dumb inventions soon to come. Be watching!

Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it's biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails. "Great idea, honey," he smiled. "You can eat them straight out of the box."