"I started a new band called The Chimes" "What kind of band?" "Acapella Ska" "What do you play?" "Drums"

What's better than roses on your piano?? Tulips on your organ! (two-lips)

One night a couple was in their room and the woman had just performed amazing oral on her man. He asked her where she had learned how to do it like that. She than said to him, "It took some practice but your dad finally taught me how to do it right."

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters. It was my friend's birthday and I was mad at him, so I sent him a card. It said happy birthday, but I put quotes around the word "Happy"... sarcastic birthday, douchebag. I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then Í said, "Does he bite?" She said "No," and I said, "Oh yeah? Then how does he eat? ... Liar." I think it would be cool, if you were writing a ransom note in Microsoft Word, and it popped up, the

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

What is represented by this? EGASSAM Back massage!

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied

16 more white keys than black keys on a piano.

There once was a village, it was powerful and had the strongest warriors, one day, a tourist goes to them and says they were cowards, they yelled and beat him, but finally, the tourist said, "This book says that the Paccachu are selfish people who steal, and are cannibals." The villagers looking at the book scream and run around the village. One man however, looks at the book and laughs. The man stays where he is and doesn't panic like his fellow village. The tourist, finally gathering enough courage asks him, "How come your not scared?" The man smirks and replies, "I can't read."

Little Willy, full of hell, Threw his sister in the well. Their mother said when drawing water, "It's so hard to raise a daughter."

"That guy looks like Jesus... and so does his friend.. did Jesus have a twin?" "No, at least.. I dont think he did.. never thought about it" "Oh, well. Twins are awesome... hey, why is Jesus walking into our school? *gasp* what if he rapes us all?! JESUS IS A PEDO!" "Calm down, Jesus isn't a pedo, he loves kids!" "Gee, that helps"

How can you tell that the Stasi has bugged your apartment? There's a new cabinet in it.