Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Scanning for viruses...Windows95 found...Please delete.

Guys were sitting around a bar talking about things they bet on. A woman down at the end of the bar says, "I bet on things!" The bartender says, "Oh Yeah! What do you bet on?" Woman, "Most anything." Bartender, "Like what for instance?" Woman, "See that wall over there? I bet I can pee higher on that wall than you can!" Bartender, (Thinks about this for a minute) "I'll take that bet! How much do you want to bet?" Woman, "You name your poison." Bartender, "I'll bet you a thousand bucks." Woman, "Ok!" Bartender, "Ladies first." Woman, Pulls up her dress, pulls down her panties, leans back and pees. "Your turn," she replies. Bartender, Unzips his pants gets his sure tool out; gets r

A blonde woman in Georgia bought a magnolia tree from a local nursery but, after only a few months, its leaves shrivelled and it appeared to be on its last legs. She took some leaf samples back to the nursery and demanded an explanation. "Oh, I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia tree, ma'am," said the manager. "Good," she replied. "What is it?" "Autumn!" he said.

Jersey girls aren't trash; trash gets picked up.

If all those sweet young things were laid end to end – I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

Ivan Vakinov Kotcha Vakinov Isenya Vakinov

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She said to the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby brooch and Rolex watch." "But you aren't wearing any of those things," said the artist. "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

What do Micheal Jackson and a PS2 have in common? They're both plastic, can be black or white and can be turned on by children.

A new jewelry store was opening for the first time. On the front of the store, there was a sign that said "Popular Prices". A man looked at the sign and walked right in. He asked the employee at the desk, "How much for that pearl necklace?" "14,000 dollars." "What? How are those popular prices?" The employee replied meekly, "We like 'em."

laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and some-one will hear you, but fart and you're on your own!!