A ninety-year-old couple was going to bed, and the old lady was feeling romantic. She said to her husband, "I remember, when we were younger, how you used to hold my hand at night." Grumbling under his breath, her husband reached over and held her hand. Shortly after, she said, "I remember how, when we were younger, you kissed me every night before we went to sleep." Really getting ticked off, the husband gave her a quick peck on the cheek. Then she said, "I remember how, when we were younger, you used to bite my neck." Angrily, the man threw the covers off of himself and stormed out of the room Surprised, the woman called after him asking what he is doing. "Going to get my teeth!" he replie

An elderly lady went to a butcher's shop one day, and noticed that on the liver in the window were two white balls. Being of a curious nature, she asked what these white balls might be, to be told that they were golf balls, and that placing them on the liver kept them supple. She returns the following week, when there were four of these white balls lying on the liver. "So you've shot another golfer, then?"

She Was So Blonde She told someone to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".

Hillary Clinton noticed that she was unusually hungry, having stomache pains, and hasn't had her period for 2 months. She decides to go a doctor to get checked out. The doctor returns with the diagnosis that she is indeed pregnant. As you can imagine, the first thing she did was call her husband, Bill Clinton. "Honey, I have some news for you. You got me PREGNANT." After a few minutes, Bill's voice comes back on the line. "Don't panic. I will sort this out, but first I need to know who you are." *This is not true*

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose. The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000. The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000. Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pe

Three men, a Scotsman, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were given a sentence of life inprisonment for manslauter in Saudi Arabia. When they got to the trial the judge said, "It is my daughter's birthday, so you will only be lashed 100 times." They went to the whipman and he said, "Today is my birthday, you may all have a wish" The Frenchman, who went firstm said, "I would like a pillow strapped to my back. "He got 33 painless lashes until the pillow broke. He then got hit 77 times on his back. The Scotsman asked for two pillows. He got 66 painless lashes until the pillows broke. Then got 34 whips on his back. The whipman said to the englishman, "England is a noble country, therefore you

We all know that a good old fashioned zombie says "Braaaaiiiiins!" But what would these zombies say? A Vegan Zombie - "Graaaaaiiiiins!" A 1940's Mobster Zombie - "Daaaaaaames!" A Michael Jordan Zombie - "Haaaaaayynes!" A Vampire Zombie - "Veeeeeeeiiiiins!" A Masochistic Zombie - "Paaaaaiiiiiins!" A Maid Zombie - "Staaaaaiiiins!"

On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting mad at me. Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go." Server: "Is that it?" Me: "Yep." Server: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?" Me: "No, it's *to* *go*." [I hate effort duplication.] At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back." He goes to talk to his manager, who is stil

My mom had just placed some flypaper out when my little cousin wandered in. She was fascinated watching the flies get caught. Finally, my mom asked, "Molly, don't you have flies in your house?" "Yeah, we have flies. We just don't have anything for them to sit on."

Yo Momma is so Dumb she put training wheels on your tricycle.

It's okay to kiss a fool, and it's also okay to let a fool kiss you. But NEVER let a kiss fool you!

So I was out camping and my glasses had broken the day before, so I couldn't wear them. Without my glasses, I can't see anything past 10 feet in front of my face. So I was out camping (W/out glasses) and I go to use the bathroom, and I walk into the wrong one, (and two cute girls were outside picking berries) and I come out and they start to laugh. I found out about two hours later that I walked into the wrong bathroom. An hour and a half later, i was eating a late lunch/early dinner, and I go to use the bathroom, at this local Texmex resturant, and the bathroom was outside, and I walked into the wrong one again. It was really embarrassing. PS, I'm not blonde, just on the inside.