You're getting old when... your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!" your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor, instead of the police. "Getting a little action" means, "I don't need to take any fiber today." "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

Gary: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test. Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

For all you engineers (and other geniuses) who have difficulty converting units .... 1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter? = Eskimo Pi 2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? = Won ton 3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash? = 1 microscope 4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement? = 1 bananosecond 5. Weight an evangelist carries with God? = 1 billigram 6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour? = Knotfurlong 7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone? = 1 Rod Serling 8. Half of a large intestine? = 1 semicolon 9. 1,000,000 aches? = 1 megahurtz 10. Basic unit of laryngitis? = 1 hoar

Your breath is so bad, you need a tic-tac the size of a watermelon!

A little boy goes to his father one day and says, "Daddy, what is politics?" "Well," his father replied, "let me try to explain it to you this way. Let's say that you're the people. I'm the breadwinner of the family so we'll call me the economy. Your mother is in charge so we'll call her government. Your nanny will be the working class, and your baby brother is the future. Now go think about that and see if you can understand." The boy thinks about it but doesn't really get it so he goes to bed. He wakes up in the middle of the night and hears his baby brother crying. He goes to check on his brother and sees that he has soiled himself but doesn't know how to change a diaper. He goes

Why are there so few amusement parks in Japan? Because they aren't tall enough to ride them!

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!"

Are you a technical geek? Do you have a problem with overdoing your technical activities? Many do. Take the following test to see if you are compulsive. If you can relate to 2 of the items, you may have a problem with Techno-Dweeb. If you relate to 3 or more, you are definitely a Techno-Dweeb. Do not despair! There is help! You are not alone! Whenever you feel the urge to code in Assembler, call the number in the white pages of your phone book, and we will send somebody right over to cut out paper dolls with you until the feeling passes. You know you are a technical geek when . . . When your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you reply, "Yeah, I had V5, and it was full of bugs

Yo momma's so ugly, when she went to the house of mirrors, it collapsed.

Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly check-up. When it was finished, she asked her gynecologist how everything was. He said he was pleased and that she was in great shape, and that she was pregnant. "No way!" she exclaimed, but he assured her she was most definitely pregnant. She stormed out of the examining room, grabbed the receptionist's phone and dialed the private line in the Oval Office. When Bill answered the phone, she shouted, "I can't believe it! I'm pregnant! You got me pregnant!" The president didn't say anything, and she screamed, "Didn't you hear me?? I'm pregnant! You got me pregnant!" Hesitantly, the president asked, "Um...who IS this?"

Mom (Reprimandingly): Julia! How many times must I tell you not to pull the cat's tail? Julia (Innocently): But Mom, I'm only holding the tail. It's the cat that's doing the pulling.

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars. and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued.... and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, th