Popular Jokes
MONDAY:
BREAKFAST - Who can eat breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth
LUNCH - Send your secretary out for six "Jr burgers". Y'know those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents? Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of juice.
AFTERNOON SNACK - Drink the juice.
DINNER - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.
TUESDAY:
BREAKFAST - Eat the coleslaw
LUNCH - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole t
What is the definition of perfect pitch?
When you throw the accordion into the dumpster and it lands on the banjo.
What is the definition of a quarter tone?
Two oboes playing in unison.
What do you call a guitar player who just broke up with his girlfriend??
Homeless.
How do you know if the drum stand is level?
There is drool coming out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.
Every time I hear the dirty word "Exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
Yo momma so fat that when she sits around the house, she dosen't just sit around the house, she sits around the whole neighborhood.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either.
Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench during break time and one turns to the other saying, "Slim, I'm 73 years old and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age; how do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a new born babe."
Rather amazed at this reply, Slim's co-worker repeats his statement back in the form of a question, "Really? A new born babe?"
"Yup," grins Slim, "No teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants."
Melvin checked out a book from the library because the title read "How to Hug".
It turned out to be volume 7 of the encyclopedia.
Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one
hand and four apples and three oranges in the other
hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.
Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an
elephant with one hand.
Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No Problems , He sleeps at night.
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.
(read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick-up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too sh*t-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face i
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