It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters. The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. "Are you Mr. Johnson?" they asked. He admitted that he was. "Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, something that had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government ha

Alabama *It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. *Dominoes may not be played on Sunday. *It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church. ~~~ California *Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses. *Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. *Bathhouses are against the law. [Get the full text of this law.] *It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. *Women may not drive in a house coat. ~~~ Florida *Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner. *A special law prohibits unmarried women fr

It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot in life. There was an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen. The elephant complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a total fool!" The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick up food, drink, and water without getting wet!" Next the giraffe complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK! It makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people point and laugh at me!" The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a fair distance." Then the hen spoke up. "Lord, I don't want to complain, but e

On our last venture out for Christmas shopping, we had bought a few gadgets for the younguns and then realized we didn't have any batteries. I stepped over to the counter to get the batteries, but I couldn't attract any clerk's attention. I waited a while then said to April, "I'll get someone's attention. Stay right here." With that, I pulled out a tape measure I just happened to have with me, and started to "measure" one of those large screen plasma television sets. You know, the ones that go for about $4000. Amazingly, a clerk almost leap-frogged over several pieces of furniture to reach my side. "Sir! Can I help you?" he exclaimed. "Yeah, you can. I'll take 8 of those batteries over

An elderly man and his wife, vacationing at a cabin by the lake, were sitting on the porch and reminiscing about their younger years. "This is the lake where I learned how to swim when I was a small boy," the husband said. "My father threw me into the water and I had to learn how to dog paddle to get back to the shore or drown. It was sink or swim." "That was a cruel thing for your father to do," the wife said. "How could a loving father do such a thing to a small child? That must have been a very difficult way to learn how to swim." "Not really," replied the husband. "Learning how to swim was the easy part. Getting out of that burlap bag first was the hard part!"

Redneck Threats: - I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtalk style. - This'll jar your preserves. - Don't you be making' me open a can o' whoop-ass on yaw!

What sits on a window sill, hums, and dies mysteriously 91 days after you bring it home? - An air conditioner with a 90 day warranty.

Covina, Calif: I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, "I led the pigeons to the flag." Cleveland, Ohio: When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know - "I pledge allegiance to the flag and to the Republic for Richard Stands."

The woman at the supermarket checkout was giving the clerk a hard time. As her audience in the waiting line increased, she became more abusive. Finally, the patient clerk came to a dog's flea collar. The checker asked the customer if she was aware that the package had been opened. "Of course, I opened it," the woman snapped. "You can't expect me to get it home and find out it's the wrong size." A voice from the line spoke for all of us: "Wear it in good health."

Hey, pal! Buddy, friend, mate, amigo! I've just heard that I won first prize in a competition! It's a ten-day holiday for me and five others to Disney World! So I was wondering, if you're not doing anything next Wednesday, if you could put my garbage can out for collection!

Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? A. The French Army.