A couple who lived together were talking one day, trying to figure out how to entertain themselves on a rainy day. "Let's play Hide and Seek," said the woman. "I'll hide and if you find me we'll have sex!" "But what if I can't find you?" asked her boyfriend. "I'll be behind the piano," she said.

It's not what you say, but the way you say it. On a blind date, the boy said to the girl: "Time stands still when I look into your eyes." The girl was very flattered. What the boy had really meant was, "You have a face that would stop a clock."

You can fool all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, and that should be sufficient for most purposes.

A woman from Chelm went to the market one day to buy herring and a loaf of bread. "How much is it?" she asked the storekeeper. "14 cents," answered the storekeeper to the lady. "14 cents! For what?" asked the lady. The storekeeper explained: "The herring costs 7 cents, and the loaf of bread costs 7 cents also. So together it comes to 14 cents." "I know different. To the best of my recollection, 7 and 7 is 11." "What are you saying?" "As far as I know, 7 and 7 is 11. I had already had 4 children when my first husband died. When I married a second time, my second husband also had 4 children from his first wife. After getting married, we had 3 children together. So each of us had 7 child

Old world charm - Room with no TV, radio and only 1 light. Tropical - Rainy. Majestic setting - A long way from town, at end of dirt road. Options galore - Nothing is included in the price. Secluded hideaway - Directions to locate unclear. Some budget rooms - Sorry, already occupied. Explore on your own - At your own expense. Minutes From ??? - By Plane Romantic - No Phone in room Knowledgeable trip hosts - They've flown in an airplane before. No extra fees - No extras available. Bird Watchers Paradise - Your car's paint will never be the same Nominal fee - Outrageous charge. Standard - Sub-standard. Deluxe - Barely Standard. Superior accommodations- One complimentary chocolate, free shower

Just when you are finally happy with your life and eveything going on in your life.... You get married and ruin it!

Carlos Mencia orginally said this but it's still true... What's makes life beautiful is the essence of the fact that it can go away - so you don't wanna live like that. You don't wanna be the person, do you, that had a fight. An inconsequential, insignificant, stupid, fight with your spouse about who was supposed to open or close the window, or turn off the light at that bedtime, so you did it but you were pissed and you stayed pissed with you wife. Not cuz it was real, but hell, we'll make up later and nothing better than make up sex, is there? And in the morning you woke up and things were still bad. But you kept that cuz, hey, I'm gonna come back and we're gonna do it - and then wha

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

And my FAVORITE...... The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

I had a great memory once, but I don't know where I left it. You haven't seen it lying around anywhere have you? No? No what?

Q:What did the blonde's right leg say to her left leg? A:Nothing, they haven't met yet.