Did you hear about the two peanuts who got mugged on their walk down the street? They were assaulted

Droughts happen because God didn't pay his water bill.

rudeness - someone who keeps talking while your are trying to interrupt.

A man's life is difficult to understand, when born he struggles to get out of the vagina and then tries the rest of his life to get in!!!

A soldier's letter home: Dear Mom, I can't tell you where i am, but yesterday I shot a polar bear. Two weeks later, another letter home: Dear Mom, I can't tell you where I am, but yesterday i danced with a hula girl. Two weeks later another letter home: Dear Mom, I still can't tell you where I am, but yesterday the doctor told me I should have danced with the polar bear and shot the hula girl.

If a turtle loses its shell is it naked or homeless? If fire fighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight??? If nothing sticks to teflon, then how do they make teflon stick to the pan? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear seatbelts? If love is blind, then why is lingere so popular? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? If a black box flight recorder is never damaged in a plane crash, why dont they make the whole plane out of that stuff? Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? If most car accidents occur within 5 kilometers of home, then why doesnt every one just move 5 k's away? Why are psychics still working if th

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today." The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my pants when I ask where the toilet is? 2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually. 3. When people say, "Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it, too." Dang right! What good is cake if you can't eat it? 4. When people who've lost something say, "It'll probably be in the last place I look." Of course it is! Why the heck would you keep looking after you've found it? 5. When people say while watching a film, "Did you see that?" No

I'll get a world record for this. It's fireproof. He's probably just hibernating. I'm making a citizen's arrest. So, you're a cannibal. Are you sure the power is off? Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it? I've seen this done on TV. These are the good kind of mushrooms. Let it down slowly. Rat poison only kills rats. Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town. It's strong enough for both of us. This doesn't taste right. Nice doggie. I've done this before. Well, we've made it this far. That's odd. Don't be so superstitious.

Jack hadn't been to a school reunion in decades. When he walked in, Jack thought he recognised a woman over in the corner, so he approached her and extended his hand in greeting. "You look like Helen Brown," he remarked. "Well", replied the angry woman, "you don't look so great in blue either!"

Yo Momma is so stupid she took wood to the movie SAW!!

There was once, Mr. Maggi mee was walking along the streets and noticed Mr. Meatball just a few metres ahead of him. He then went up, gave Mr. Meatball a good beating and left. Mr. Meatball, not wanting to take this insult, gathered all his meatball friends and arranged to meet outside Mr. Maggi mee's house to seek vengence on the beating. They pressed the bell, and Mr. Spaghetti opened the door. They walloped him and as they did, Mr. Spaghetti asked : why are you guys beating me? Mr. Meatball replied : "Don't think that just because you had yourself rebonded, we wouldn't recognise you!"