Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Indubitably Innovative Preliminary Proliferation Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Specificity British Constitution Passive-aggressive disorder Loquacious Tran-substantiate THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. Nope, no more booze for me. Sorry, but you're not really my type. Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight. Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10. 4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat

A lawyer died, and at the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven together. They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes. Then, they get to see where they're going to live. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18-room mansion with servants and a swimming pool. At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a kosher TV dinner, but the lawyer receives a five-course meal including caviar, prime rib and chocolate truffles. By

The dean of a women's college, addressing her charges, concluded, "...and remember, young ladies, you represent not only your own honor but that of the school. When approached by young men, ask yourself: Is an hour's pleasure worth a lifetime of disgrace? Now, are there any questions?" A young lady immediately raised her hand and said, "Tell me, how do you make it last an hour?"

Yo Mama so fat that she bent over and got arrested for selling crack.

While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that the tuna packed in spring water was labeled dolphin safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not. I mentioned this fact to the blonde cashier and mused out loud, "I wonder why?" The blonde replied, "Must be because the oil would suffocate them."

What does the turtle do in the Olympics? The hurdle run!

Wear tank tops and support your right to bare arms.

I hear some rich guy wants to build a tavern at the top of Mount Everest. Talk about raising the bar high!

Yo momma so dumb she took back the donut because it had a hole in it!

You're so slow that if you were a train engine, the caboose would be leading.