Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They were sitting down on a bench to rest when they heard voices coming from a secluded spot. Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realized that a young man was about to propose. Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered, "Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them." Murphy said, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me."

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day, an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a sandstorm. Several days later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained for the entire day. "This Indian is amazing," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian failed to show up for a couple of weeks. Finally, the director sent for him. "I have a big scene to shoot tomorrow," the director said, "and I'm counting on you. What will the weather be like?" "Not know," replied the Indian, shrugging his

When a girl needs advice, why can't her brother help her? Because he can't be a brother and assist her too. (And a sister too!)

An elephant is talking to a hippopotamus, and the elephant says, "You know, there's nothing worse than a cold in the nose." The hippo says, "Oh yeah? Did you never have chapped lips?"

You Know You've Been Drinking Way Too Much Coffee When... Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. Your so jittery that people use your hands to shake paint cans. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. When you call radio talk shows, they ask you to turn yourself down. Your life goal is to amount to a hi

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

101. About 14% of injecting drug users are HIV positive. 102. A word or sentence that is the same front and back (racecar, kayak) is called a "palindrome". 103. A snail can sleep for 3 years. 104. People photocopying their buttocks are the cause of 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide. 105. China has more English speakers than the United States. 106. Finnish folklore says that when Santa comes to Finland to deliver gifts, he leaves his sleigh behind and rides on a goat named Ukko instead. According to French tradition, Santa Claus has a brother named Bells Nichols, who visits homes on New Year's Eve after everyone is asleep, and if a plate is set out for him, he fills it with cookies

201. David Sarnoff received the Titanic's distress signal and saved hundreds of passengers. He later became the head of the first radio network, the National Broadcasting Company (NBC). 202. On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year. 203. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than every Nike factory worker in Malaysia combined. 204. One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the '30s lobbied against hemp farmers (they saw it as competition). 205. "Canada" is an Indian word meaning "Big Village". 206. Only one in two billion people will live to be 116 or older. 207. If you yelled for 8 years 7 months and 6 days, you w

My 12-year-old sister was filling out an application form for a foreign language course. Suddenly she stopped, a small frown on her forehead. A moment later, she wrote something down. Glancing over her shoulder, I saw that the question she had paused at was: "Mother tongue." On the blank space beside it she had written, "Pink."

How many moves, at least, are required to stalemate in chess? Nineteen moves. 1.h4 h5 2.c4 a5 3.Qa4 Ra6 4.Qxa5 Rah6 5.Qxc7 f6 6.Qxd7+ Kf7 7.Qxb7 Qd3 8.Qxb8 Qh7 9.Qxc8 Kg6 10.Qe6

Guys were sitting around a bar talking about things they bet on. A woman down at the end of the bar says, "I bet on things!" The bartender says, "Oh Yeah! What do you bet on?" Woman, "Most anything." Bartender, "Like what for instance?" Woman, "See that wall over there? I bet I can pee higher on that wall than you can!" Bartender, (Thinks about this for a minute) "I'll take that bet! How much do you want to bet?" Woman, "You name your poison." Bartender, "I'll bet you a thousand bucks." Woman, "Ok!" Bartender, "Ladies first." Woman, Pulls up her dress, pulls down her panties, leans back and pees. "Your turn," she replies. Bartender, Unzips his pants gets his sure tool out; gets r

Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries and troubles, and lighten your burden." Boy: "That's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles." Girl: "Yes, well, that's because we aren't married yet."