yo-mamma is so fat shes fat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich." The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf." The trucker says, "I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

- How many blonds do you need to change a lightbulb ? - Hundred. One holds the lightbulb and the other ninety nine rotates the house.

Michael and Beth are married, Beth is a smoker but Michael thinks smoking is horrible. One night she started smoking after they finished having sex and Michael said, "Would you please stop smoking, you're going to kill yourself." Beth, in return, said, "Sometimes I just need to get in a smoke after sex, do you have a problem with that?" He replied, "Yes, because they stunt your growth among other things." Beth asked Michael if he's ever smoked, to which he proudly said no. With a smug Beth lowered her gaze to his groin and said, "So, what's your excuse?"

'It is Christmas time and a man and a woman go out for a meal. After the first two courses, everything is well until the dessert. The man messes up and says something inappropriate to the woman while having their Christmas pudding. The woman walks away in anger. Then the man says, "Please don't desert me; this is our first date."'

Me: "That will be 17.50, please." Customer: "Are you a Christian, dear?" Me: "Why do you ask?" Customer: "Are you?" Me: "Well, no. Why do you want to know?" Customer: "Oh. I would like to be helped by someone else, please." Manager: "Good morning ma'am, I hear you've been having a problem with the clerk?" Customer: "Oh, she didn't make any trouble, it's just that I don't want my money to be handled by someone not of the faith. You should be careful, she'll probably nick from the till when you're not looking." Manager: "You're right, ma'am, I shall definitely have to reprimand her." Me: *surprised* "What for?" Manager: "For failing to notice that the lady was not planning on paying

On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere." Written just below it: "I do not."

Why didn't the zombie cross the road? Because he didn't have the guts!

After a hardy Indiana rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic. "Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she says as she shook the older boy in anger. "We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said. "I was baptizing him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes."

DOCTOR: "Do you smoke or drink?" PATIENT: "I didn't know I had a choice."

I didn't lose my mind, I just let it wander and it never came back. I miss it so much.

Mary had a little lamb, And a little pony too, She put the pony in a field, And the lamb into a stew!!