Popular Jokes
Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album's gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it's pretty good. By the way, how's the golf?"
Nicklaus replies, "Not too bad. I m not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that worked out now."
"I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie.
"You play golf!?" asks Jack.
Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."
"
Once upon a time, a man happened upon a magical lamp. He rubbed it and a genie came out.
"Are you going to give me three wishes?" the man asked.
"No," said the genie. "I am a rare and mystical question genie. I am way more honorable than a simple wish genie! You may ask me three questions."
The man thought for a while about what he wanted to ask. This was a once in a lifetime opportunity to unlock the secrets of the world.
Finally, he said, "Okay, here's what I want to know: What is the cure for the common cold? How can perpetual motion be created? And where can a fuel source, that is clean and reusable and will replace all the others, be found?"
The genie nodded and walked off. Puzzle
Two robbers from Puerto Rico felt that the police were getting hot on their trail, so they decided to move far away to Montreal and continue their life of crime in the new city. Unfortunately they just did not quite understand winter.
They were arrested the morning after their first break-in. The police just followed their footsteps in the snow from the store to their house...
Signs That Were Found In Peoples' Kitchens:
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
Housework done properly can kill you.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
A little boy is adopted from Korea and is flown to the USA to meet his new parents. A few years later the parents decide to adopt again on the way to the airport the little boy sees planes coming in to land. He says to his mother, "Look at all the babies being born."
(he thinks all babies come on air planes Ha Ha)
Four-year-old Robert tells his kindergarten teacher that he has a new baby brother, called Spot.
"Spot?" says the teacher. "Are you sure it's not a puppy your Dad bought you?"
Robert was adamant that his brother's name was Spot - until next morning, when he issued a correction.
"Actually, it's Mark."
One day, 3 men were walking around in the desert. One was poor, but had lots to drink and was smart; one was rich and very thirsty but was smart, and the last was poor, thirsty and stupid.
Suddenly a genie popped up and said, "Each of you can have one wish, but it is a different sort of wish to the usual. Each of you can go down this magic slide," and a slide appeared from nowhere, "and whatever you say in the slide you will land in a large pile of whatever you said."
The first man went down and said, "GOLD," and he landed in gold; the second man said, "COCA-COLA," and he landed in coca-cola; the last man said, "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" and he landed in wee.
In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.
Dr. Seuss coined the word "nerd" in his 1950 book "If I Ran the Zoo."
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun.
The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.
Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.
Every day the same old thing
Essays, reading, handwriting
I do it all while sitting here
With a very tempting computer near.
I try to ignore the silent plea
"Please, surf the net on me"
I, for a while I ignore the call
By writing a paper on the Taj Mahal.
But inevitably
It gets to me
I shove my work out of the way
(Don't worry I'll do it another day).
The screen savers gone when I click on the mouse
A happy blue glow fills up the house
I open the Internet, "Whoopitydee"
I yell (there are 5 new emails for me).
When I've replied I surf the net
Is there anything exciting? You bet!
I'll do this while the sun fades away
Marking the end of another long day
But I will not notice, oh no not m
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