I had a great memory once, but I don't know where I left it. You haven't seen it lying around anywhere have you? No? No what?

Ivan Vakinov Kotcha Vakinov Isenya Vakinov

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer." The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming." "Yes I do!" "Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?" "Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down." "Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?" "Well, then I'll takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down." "Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites

Dreams are like underpants. You've got 'em, but you can't prove you do by showing it to everyone.

Hey, I saw you in Dunkin' donuts yesterday!! You're the one ordering triple chocolate, double vanilla, quadrupal cinnamon and double whip cream dounut filled with sprinkles.

Every time I hear the dirty word "Exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

An old lady walks into a bank and says, "I would like to set up an account." The man at the desk says, "Okay, how much would you like to deposit?" The woman replies, "$5,000." "Wow!" says the man, "where did you get all of that?" "I like to make bets." "What type of bets?" The woman replied, "Tomorrow when, I will come in, you will have a butterfly tattoo an your left buttock. I will bet all the money I am about to deposit." "Deal," says the man. The next day the old woman walked in again with her lawyer. the man at the counter pulled down his pants to show the old woman his empty left buttock. "I win!" he said as the woman handed him his money. Behind her, the lawyer put his head

Michael and Beth are married, Beth is a smoker but Michael thinks smoking is horrible. One night she started smoking after they finished having sex and Michael said, "Would you please stop smoking, you're going to kill yourself." Beth, in return, said, "Sometimes I just need to get in a smoke after sex, do you have a problem with that?" He replied, "Yes, because they stunt your growth among other things." Beth asked Michael if he's ever smoked, to which he proudly said no. With a smug Beth lowered her gaze to his groin and said, "So, what's your excuse?"

Why did the teenager cross the road? Because his parents told him not to.

One day I asked my grandfather how to ice fish. He said all you need is a can of peas and a club. "Huh?", I said. "How does that work?" "Well," he said, "After you cut the hole in the ice you just place the peas around the edge of the hole! Then you wait by the hole with your club." "What does that do?" I asked. "Well," he said with a grin. "When the fish come up to take a pee, you hit him over the head with the club!"

DOCTOR: "Do you smoke or drink?" PATIENT: "I didn't know I had a choice."

What's a man's ultimate embarrassment? Having an erection, walking into a wall, and hurting his nose.