Strategic responses to the ever-dangerous "Do I look Fat" question: "No, not to Stevie Wonder." "No babe, you're not fat, you're fluffy." "Does this tie make me look stupid?" "No hablo ingles." "If I answer that question, my life will be in danger." "Let me jog around to your front and take a look." "No, honey. But just to be safe, steer clear of one-legged sea captains." "May I consult a lawyer before answering that?" "Look at your belt size honey, if it says 'equator' on the tag you know the answer."

A man was searching the dictionary for the word 'Dictionary'. He found this meaning: Dictionary is the thing you are holding, Stupid. Wondering what the definition of stupid was, he searched for the word stupid, he found: Is that you again?

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head were swimming the breast stroke in a race. The blonde comes in last and says "Not to be a sore loser or anything, but I think the other girls were using their hands.".

Mary had a little lamb, And a little pony too, She put the pony in a field, And the lamb into a stew!!

His death won't be listed under "Obituaries," it will be under "Neighborhood Improvements."

Q. what is more diffucult than getting a pregnant elephant in your car? A. getting an elephant pregnant in your car

Few women admit their age, Few men act theirs.

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on a beach and picked it up. Suddenly a female Genie arose from the bottle and with a smile said: "Master, may I grant you one wish?" "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything", barked Bin Laden. The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever." Osama thought a moment, grumbling about the impertinence of the woman, and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning; so just grant it and be off with you!" The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared

Ms. Suzy had a steam boat, the steam boat had a bell! The steam boat went to heaven, Ms. Suzy went to... Hello operator, please give me number nine! And if you disconnect me, I'll chop off your... Behind the frigerator, there was a piece of glass! Ms. Suzy sat upon it, and broke her big fat... Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies! The boys are in the bathroom, zipping up their... Flies are in the meadow, bees are in the park! Ms. Suzy's with her boyfriend, kissing in the d-a-r-k, d-a-r-k dark, dark, dark!

Why was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years? Because blokes refuse to ask for directions.

There's a man with three daughters. The first daughter(a Brunette) comes up and says "Daddy why'd you name me Daisy" the dad says" 'cause when you were born a daisy fell on your head." The second daughter (a red-head) comes up and says "Daddy why'd you name me Rose" the dad says "'cause when you were born a rose fell on your head." The third daughter (a blonde) comes up and says "kjaglifvgjlfj" the dad says "SHUTUP CINDERBLOCK"

Yo momma is like a bus; she's big, doesn't smell very good, and it's only a dollar a ride.