Is that a mirror in your jeans? Because I can see myself in them.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidney

Sing this to the tune of "On top of old oaky from "That's so Raven". On top of Mount Fuji, All covered in blood, I shot poor Barney With a 45 stud. He went to the hospital. He wasn't quite dead. So I took a machine gun, And blew off his head I went to his funeral. I went to his grave. Some people threw flowers, But i threw a grenade TaDa!

Why did the husband ask the wife before they were married to find her own friends for life? Because like most marriages he knows they will hate each other one day and she will need help from her friends or she commit suicide.

Reasons why high school english teachers retire early. Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays: 1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. 2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. 3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 4. She grew on him like she was a

I was in Target the other day, shopping with a young lady friend. We were walking past the furniture section where there were several different models of bar stools on display. Next to them there was a sign that read: "All models in stock now!" So I paused next to the display and said, "Do you know what these are?" "What?" she asked. I said, "Stool samples."

One afternoon, a woman was in her back yard hanging laundry when a tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. The woman could tell from the dog's collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into the house, the dog followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and the woman let him out. The next day the dog was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, the woman finally pinned a note to his collar, it read: 'Every afternoon, your dog comes to my house for a nap.' The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "We have six c

A scientist has come up with proof of something students have known for years -- chemistry lectures are boring. In an article published in the current issue of Chemistry in Britain, a university chemistry lecturer introduced a guest lecturer to a class of 50 doctoral candidates. Then, he and his colleagues studied variations in what he calls the HTFDR -- "head-to-floor distance reduction." After about an hour , the average HTFDR dropped from 135cm to 121cm, said the author of the study, who preferred to remain anonymous. The HTFDR immediately bounced back to normal when the speaker uttered the magic words: "And in conclusion..."

- Save the whales. Collect the whole set. - A day without sunshine is like...night. - On the other hand, you have different fingers - 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. - 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. - Remember, half the people you know are below average. - He who laughs last thinks slowest. - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. - Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. - Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. - If you think nobody cares, try m

I was talking to my sister's boyfriend one day and I asked him if prettyful was a word. He said, "Well, I use it a lot. Whenever I've just eaten and someone asks me if I'm hungry, I say 'I'm pretty full."

While reading a newspaper, Morty came across an article about a beautiful actress marrying a football player who was not noted for his IQ. "I'll never understand," he said to his wife, "Why do the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives." His wife replied, "Why, thank you, dear."

A recent survey shows that 95% of men admit to pleasuring themselves sexually... and that the remaining 5% are liars!!