THE NBA PLAYER ADOPTION PROGRAM NEEDS YOU! With an NBA player's strike against the team owners looming, now is the time for us to show the world just how much we care. It's just not right. Hundreds of basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level! Atrocious! And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks - possibly a whole year - as a result of the strike. But now you can help! For about two thousand dollars a day - that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV - you can help a basketball player remain economically viable during his time of need. Two thousand dollars a day may not seem li

You can be sure someone is an idiot when he/she: Spends twenty minutes looking at an orange juice box because it said concentrate. Puts lipstick on their forhead because he wanted to makeup his mind. Gets stabbed in a shoot-out. Sends a fax with a stamp on it. Was on the corner giving out potato chips yellin' "Free Lays!" Tries to drown a fish. If you gave them a penny for their intelligence, you'd get change. Thinks socialism means partying. Trips over a cordless phone. Takes a rule to bed to see how long they slept. At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" he put Sagittarius." Takes 2 hours to watch 60 minutes. Studies for a blood test and fails. Invents a s

A kid said "I have a dirty joke; a kid fell in the mud". Another kid said, "I know a dirty joke; two kids fell into a pile of mud". Then the other kid said, "Well, I bet I have the dirtest joke of all; 2 pigs fell into a pile of mud and 3 came out!"

What's the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease? One is a cunning runt and the other is a running cunt.

Have you seen the current remake of the movie "Cape Fear?" It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer. The question is, while watching the movie, for whom do you root?

Why did the kid like the bowl of carrots and peas? Because he could eat every carrot and pea in the bowl.

How many presidents does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They'll only promise change.

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not flunk; He keepeth me from lying down when I should be studying. He leadeth me beside the water cooler for a study break; He restoreth my faith in study guides. He leads me to better study habits For my grades sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of borderline grades, I will not have a nervous breakdown; For thou art with me. My prayers and my friends, they comfort me. Thou givest me answers in moments of blankness; Thou anointest my head with understanding. My test paper runneth over with questions I recognize. Surely passing grades and flying colors shall follow me All the days of my examinations, And I shall not have to dwell in this university f

There was once a very smart horse. Anything that was shown him, he mastered easily, until one day, his teachers tried to teach him about rectangular coordinates and he couldn't understand them. All the horse's acquaintances and friends tried to figure out what was the matter and couldn't. Then a new guy looked at the problem and said, "Of course he can't do it. Why, you're putting Descartes before the horse!"

My American History teacher was giving a lecture about the first three presidents. A lot of people in my class can't remember presidents very well. "You all are brainwashed," he said. Of course, there was confusion in the room at this comment. "Let me demonstrate," he continued, "'I'm Cuckoo for...'" "Cocoa Puffs!" the class replied. "You don't know the ninth president of the United States, but you know that you are 'Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.'" Then, this one guy in my class said, "If the presidents were finger-lickin' good, we'd remember 'em."

Supplemental Rules for Bowling If you holler "overs!" before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the "overs". When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule "First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game", and your team still has a chance. After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames. When you leave the 10-pin and you know you can't make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the "Designated Bowl

E-Mail Screw-ups. Many Universities, colleges and businesses tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the begining or end to make up an e-mail address, i.e. Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may cause when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from. Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have some very funny addresses (probably not funny to the individual involved). Some examples follow: Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) [email protected] Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) [email protected] George David Blowmer (Drop