New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates. com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastard. New Rule: Ladies

Yo Momma is like a TV; Even a 4 year old could turn her on.

When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year. The Bible has been translated into Klingon. Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka. On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined. Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California. Average lifespan of a major league baseball: 5 pitches.

The first typewriter was called the "literary piano." Frogs can't swallow with their eyes open. A duck's quack doesn't echo. August has the highest percentage of births.

A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die. Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and commanded him, "Tell me when you will die!" The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him immediately, no matter what answer he gave. "I do not know when I will die," he answered finally. "I only know that when I die, you will die two days later."

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls 50 feet to the ground below and he is killed instantly. After the coroner leaves with Steve's body, Bob volunteers to inform Steve's wife of the terrible news. Some two hours later, Bob returns to the work site with a six-pack of beer under his arms. "Say, Bob, where did you get the six-pack?" "Steve's wife gave it to me!" "What! You just told her that Steve died and she gave you a six-pack?" "Well, before I broke the news to her, I asked her if she was Steve's widow. She said she wasn't, so I said I'd bet her a six-pack she was!"

"Man" jokez..n a boy joke.. A man was wandering in the woods, pondering all the things of life, and his own personal problems. He couldn't find the answers so he sought help from God. "God, God, you there God?" he asked. "Yes, what is it my son?" God answered. "I have a few questions; mind if I ask?" the man said. "Go ahead, my son, anything." "God, what is a million years to you?" God answered, "A million years to me is only a second" The the man asked again, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?" God replied, "A million dollars to me is worth only a penny." The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final question. "God, can I have a penny?" God answered, "Sure, in a second." A yo

You might be a redneck if you eat cotton candy more than three times a week.

The Year 2038 Problem.......................... Test it now... Steps... 1. Login to yahoo messenger 2. Send instant message to anyone - fine, it's working... 3. Now, change your system date to 19-Jan-2038, 03:14:07 AM or above (as mentioned in mail) 4. Confirm whether your date is changed 5. Again send instant message to anyone... Your YM crahes.... * * * YES ALL NETWORK BASED APPLICATION WILL NOT WORK NOW * * * Why.....? What is it? Starting at GMT 03:14:07, Tuesday, January 19, 2038, it is expected to see lots of systems around the world breaking magnificently: satellites falling out of orbit, massive power outages (like the 2003 North American blackout), hospital life suppor

What's the difference between the Library of Congress and the House of Representatives? In the Library of Congress you're not allowed to lick the pages!

A book never written: Yellow Rivers by L. O. Tsoftea

With a man soon to celebrate his 50th wedding anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Pete to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to maintain his marriage with the same woman all these years. The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions." The minister inquired "Trips to where?" "For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China." The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Pete. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary." Pete: "I'm going back to go get her."