I invented a cure for amnesia - but I've forgotten what it is!

Returning home from dinner out one night, I started to feel sick. Suspecting food poisoning, I called the restaurant's manager. "I can't believe that happened!", she said. She sounded truly shocked. "What did you order?" I told her I ordered the meat loaf. "That's weird,"she observed."Usually it's the stuffing."

Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.

So, what did one Bowling pin say to the other Bowling pin? ............................ Hey, you're a knock out!

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college, but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend any time they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very wel

Why was the fish expelled from school? He was caught with seaweed!

A father and his son, Bobby, arrive at the game - and Dad can't find the tickets. Dad: "Nip home and see if I left the tickets there." Bobby: "No probs, Dad." Half an hour later Bobby returns to his dad who is patiently waiting outside the stadium. Bobby: "Yep, they're on the kitchen table where you left them."

The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing yesterday.

Bar Translations 1. "YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME." (We won't be here long enough to get another round.) 2. "I'LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU." (Happy hour is about to end...drafts are now a dollar,but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.) 3. "HEY, WHERE IS THAT FRIEND OF YOURS?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.) 4. "CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL." (FEMALE) (I'm easy.) 5. "CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL." (MALE) (I'm gay.) 6. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (MALE TO FEMALE) (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.) 7. "EVER T

50 FUN THINGS TO DO ON FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL: 1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, "Quite right, old bean!" 2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector. 3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points. 4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook. 5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't wear it out!" 6. Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute". 7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow. 8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to s

As a gift for Christmas, a wealthy family gives its children seventeen computer games. The youngest child gets one ninth of the games, the middle child gets one third of the games and the oldest child gets one half of the games. How are the games divided up, remembering you cannot have part of a computer game? The family are a little stuck until they borrow a game from their neighbours. This allows: one ninth of 18 is 2, one third of 18 is 6 and one half of 18 is 9. Now, this adds to 2 + 6 + 9 = 17, leaving the spare game to give back to their neighbour!

I wouldn't have believed this unless I seen it with my own eyes. I was walking down a street in the city I live in and noticed a store was going out of business. In the window was a huge sign "GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE", directly below that sign was another sign that said "NOW HIRING!" Talk about no job security!