Q: What is the difference between a plate and a booger? A: The plate is on the table, but the booger is under the table. Q: What is the difference between a prince and a booger? A: The prince is the heir to the throne, but the booger is thrown to the air.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. A closed mouth gathers no foot. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. A day without sunshine is like, night. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. All generalizations are false, including this one. All men are idiots, and I married their King. Always remember you're unique, ju

Why do Gynecologists retire at a younger age that other doctors? They get tunnel vision!

Stay with this - the answer is at the end. It will blow you away. One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events.The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general. The grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute. I was born before: * television * penicillin * polio shots * frozen foods * Xerox * contact lenses * Frisbees and * the pill There were no: * credit cards * laser beams or * ball-point pens Man had not invented: * pantyhose * air conditioners * dishwashers * clothes dryers * and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man hadn't yet walked on the moon. You

A woman goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!" The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?" She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!" In shock, the s

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I've been with a loose woman." The priest sighs. "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, 'tis I." "And who might be the woman you were with?" "I shan't be tellin' you, Father. It would ruin her reputation." "Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say." "Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Lisa O'Shanter?" "I'm sorry, but I'll not name her." "Was it Cathy O'Dell?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Fiona Mallory, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

A man has been down on his luck and has not been with a woman for a very long time and to make matters worse he only has 2 dollars to his name. He goes to a local brothel and asks the owner if he can have a good time there for 2 dollars. "2 dollars, I don't think so, beat it!" says the owner The guy starts to cry and goes on to explain all that has been going on in his life. The owner says "ok buddy, give me the 2 dollars and go to the second floor 3rd door on the right" The man hands over his 2 dollars and goes to the room and when he enters the only thing in the room is a chicken. He ponders it for a bit looks around the room carefully to make sure no one is watching, once he finds o

A good marriage would be between a blind woman, and a deaf man.

Two jackrabbits are running from a pack of coyotes they manage to hide under a cactus. One says to the other: "Should we run for it, or wait till we outnumber 'em?"

I knocked several times, but you weren't in. - Opportunity

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

16 Ways of Knowing You're in the Desert You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water. You can say 110 degrees without fainting. You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off. You can make instant sun tea. You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron. The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly. You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car. You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. Hot water now comes out of both taps. It's July, it's noon, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets. You actually burn your hand