A local psychic hotline opened up a new number especially for frogs, called "The Psychic Frog-line." A frog called, wanting to know his future. "You will meet a beautiful young girl," predicted the psychic. "This is great!" said the frog. "Where will I meet her? At a party? At the pond?" "No," replied the psychic. "Next semester in a biology class."

Yo momma is so dumb, she thought a GameCube was a Rubik's puzzle.

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door. "Is there a problem Officer?" The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?" The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one." "You don't have one?" The man responds, "I lost it four times for drunk driving." The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?" "I'm sorry, I can't do that." The policeman says, "Why not?" "I stole this car." The officer says, "Stole it?" The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner." At this point the officer is getting worried. "You what!?" "She's in the trunk if you want to

Great Chicken Recipe: When I found this recipe I thought it was perfect for those who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is cooked thoroughly but not dried out. Give this a try. Baked Stuffed Chicken 2-3 kg chicken 1 cup melted butter 1 cup stuffing 1 cup uncooked popcorn salt & pepper to taste Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan in the oven. Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's ass blows out of the oven door and flies across the room, the chicken is done.

10. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking. 9. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic. 8. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions. 7. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun. 6. Point at the screen. Chant in a made-up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" pee

A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat gets killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news. Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now." To which the boy replied, "What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?"

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking. 9. Today is our what? 8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together? 7. I thought we only celebrated important events? 6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband. 5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought, "Why bother?" 4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's. 3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will. 2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up. 1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while

Guy1: Thats a bunch of cows. Farmer: No, a herd. Guy1: Of course I've heard of cows. Farmer:.No, I mean the cow herd Guy1: I have no secrets from cows

Using the following list will most certainly keep your afternoons free and enable you to watch those cool Oprah and Sally shows. When filling out the job application form, under the heading 'Sex', instead of writing male or female, write in, "Not nearly enough, but I'm trying!" In the same form under the heading 'Have you ever been convicted of a crime?' answer, "Not yet." Show up late for the interview and try to rationalize it by saying, "My mom forgot to wake me again." This is in especially bad taste if you happen to be in your forties or older. When meeting the interviewer for the first time, shake his hand and say: "You look familiar. I'm sure I've seen you before somewhere.

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.

I was looking at this parked, motorized wheelchair once, and I noticed that it had a dial on it to control it's speed. At one end there was a turtle, and at the other end there was a rabbit. I just assumed at first that the turtle was representing the slower speed, and that the rabbit was for the faster speed, but then I remembered who won when those two animals raced. I think that it would be cool if cars used this same system too. You know, you get pulled over by a police officer and he says to you "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you were speeding? We had you clocked on our radar at going 'Rabbit' and I'm sure that you know the posted speed limit here is only 'Raccoon'. Now

This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins, and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend. The priest says, "Oh, okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language." The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue. "Well, father, I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church." The priest says, "And you got upset over that, and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said, "And that's wh