Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs. The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor. To which the third patient answered, "

Why do they call it "drug abuse" when the person "abusing the drugs" then ends up with half of his brain being rendered useless?

(To truely enjoy this joke you should first read Wocka jokes: December 1st. December 2nd. December 3rd. Enjoy!) FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: December 7th RE: Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy bags. Will that work?

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." - A. Whitney Brown "When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other." - Rita Rudner "I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." - Bruce Baum "USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." - David Letterman "If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology." - Jay Leno

LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!" ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?" GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!" JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days." SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so mu

1. Your mother has a short-haired, curly perm. 2. Your dad is some sort of engineer. 3. Your parents still tried to get you into places half-price saying you were 12 when you were really 15. 4. You ask your parents help on one math problem and 2 hours later they're still lecturing. 5. You have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry. 6. You shop 99 ranch. 7. Everyone thinks you're "Chinese" no matter what part of Asia your ancestors were from. 8. You've had a bowl haircut at one point in your life. 9. Your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends' kids. 10. You've had to sit through karaoke videos with scantily clad, ugly Asian women attempting to dance and walk around a temple, for

One night a little boy was left alone at home for the weekend. Before leaving his mother told him, "if you get scared put your hand under bed and let the dog lick your hand. Then you will know you are safe." So during the night the little boy heard a drip drip drip sound. He got very scared and put his hand under his bed and his dog leicked his hand. He then felt better. A little later he heard the drip drip drip sound again. The boy once again put his hand under his bed and allowd his dog to lick it. He then felt safe. About five minutes later the little boy heard the drip drip drip sound once again. Instead of putting his hand under his bed he got up and went and looked in the bathroom. T

Yo Momma's so fat, she walks out to work in heels and comes back in pumps.

On a BA flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African Lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating. "What seems to be the problem Madam?" asked the attendant. "Can't you see?" she said, "You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!" "Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do - I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class." The woman cocks a snotty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surroun

As I was coming back from Canada, I stopped at the border and the guy asked, "Do you have any firearms with you?" I answered, "What do you need?"

When she put on makeup it's just like water, comes straight off.

Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, "Now, I'd like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine." Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight member said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently." "Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure there is nothing you over-indulge in?" "Well," said the man, "I lie extensively."