Popular Jokes
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a
man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no
thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of
thumb"
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Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented.
It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and
thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime
time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the
U.S.Treasury.
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The Revised Miranda Rights Version 3
You are under arrest and....
1. No, I don't care who you are.
2. No, I don't care who you know.
3. Yes, you DO pay my salary.
4. Yes, you CAN have my job.
5. No, I don't have anything better to do.
6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes.
7. No, I am not picking on you because you are __________ (fill in any ethnic group/race).
8. No, I cannot give you a break.
9. No, I don't know your friend, Officer __________.
10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call.
11. Yes, I'm sure you will never do it again.
12. No, we can't talk about it.
13. Yes, it DOES make me happy.
14. Yes, you WILL see me in court.
Thank you, have a nice day.
Your Arrestin
This really happened (honest!)
A man was receiving death threats from another man, so he took him to court. The judge threw the case out on the basis that "the threats obviously hadn't been carried out."
Really, how stupid can you get?
"Now, as we don't have enough parachutes for all of us..."
"Of course that's not a mountain in front...isn't it?"
"That's not meant to happen!"
"What dy'a mean were not meant to be going to Iraq?"
Things you don't want to see on an aeroplane:
Fire engines and ambulances surounding the runway when you come in to land.
Armed soldiers and tanks surrounding the runway when you come in to land.
The wing fall off.
Carton of eggs~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ $3
Ski mask~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ $14
Tickets to a Brittany concert~~~~~~ $84
Egging the crap out of America's Pop Princess?? PRICELESS
After Receiving an Invitation to an Inventors' Ball:
Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.
Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.
Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.
Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now must dash."
Yo Momma so heavy that she sank the Titanic.
Yo Momma so stupid that she came up to George Bush and called him gay and Hitler #2.
Yo Momma so old that she saw Abraham Lincoln die.
Yo Momma so slow that she was mistaken for a rock.
Yo Momma so stupid that she thinks she's a man!
Yo Momma so weak that when she walks into a bar they have to feed her like a baby!
There was a magical mirror that showed the prettiest and ugliest people in the world. The mirror said that May Honzirop was the prettiest and the ugliest was Shakira Hobo. May was going to go in front of millions of people to get a Guinness world record.
The mirror said, the day before May went on stage, "I think you'll brag about all your "success" and just become unpopular again."
May replied, "SHUT UP, YOU STUPID MIRROR! I WILL THROW YOU AWAY AFTER I'M DONE!"
It was the next day. She was on stage with Shakira Hobo. She announced, "Now the mirror will choose the prettiest and the ugliest people."
The mirror was still upset, but decided to answer anyway.
The mirror announced to about 2
# "Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something. You can be a genius, but when you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big building I like food bye..'"
# "I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin."
# "You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither."
# "My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'"
# "It's good to be back in New York. I have lived here ten years. I'm originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana: Mafia. But the fact of the matter is where I grew up there was something very simila
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