I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy. Mental backup in progress - Do not disturb! The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! Black holes are where God divided by zero. If you can't read this, you're illiterate. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

A blonde wanted to have a copy of herself, so she went to the US, and they asked her for a sample of her blood. They asked her to come back after a week, so she went after a week and she saw a donkey, and they told her that this is her copy. She decided to go to Australia, and when she went there they asked for a sample of her blood, and they asked her to come back after a week. When she went back she saw a donkey, so she went to Japan, and when she told them what happened with her, they asked her to come back after a week. She asked them why they didn't need a blood sample, and they told her that they don't need it, so she left. When she came back after a week she saw an exact copy of hers

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean. Editor's note: Mean can mean both not nice but another definition is average.

21 Reasons Why Star Wars Is Better Than Titanic" 1. The Titanic is big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive. 2. Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water. 3. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose is just marriage bait. 4. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage. 5. When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can't say, "Look at the size of that thing!" and really mean it. 6. It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun. 7. Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed

This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears a whistle: "Whooee da Whoee!" He sees something coming towards him, but doesn't know what it is. Predictably, he's hit - but, only a glancing blow - and is thrown to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the closet and proceeds to batter and

20. Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20" long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had had enough of her husbands strange sex practices, and one night during a prolonged being of "fun" she snapped, pushing all 20" of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding. 19. Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake. 18. Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no

Why did Julie lose the race? Because Jodie won!

Age 6 - I've learned that if you spread the peas out on your plate, it looks like you ate more. Age 8 - I've learned that if you laugh and drink soda pop at the same time, it will come out your nose. Age 10 - I've learned that you should never jump out of a second story window using a sheet for a parachute. Age 11 - I've learned that if you want to get even with someone at camp, you rub their underwear in poison ivy. Age 13 - I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. Age 16 - I've learned that when my parents are in a bad mood, it's best to agree to everything they say or things get nasty.

One day, Little Johnny's teacher asked the class "Children, who can answer this question, please raise your hand!" "Mention things you can suck!" "Ice cream, mam!" Little Jane answered. "Good, Jane." the teacher said, "Anyone else?" "It's a lollipop!" said Little Steven. "Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!" the teacher said. Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "I think it's lamp!" The teacher and all of the students wondered about Little Johnny's answer. The teacher asked him, "Johnny, how do you think we can suck lamp?" "Well, last night when I passed my parents' bedroom", Little Johnny said, "I heard my mom said, please turn off the lamp, honey, and let me suck it!"

Yo momma's so stupid, when you asked her for an evening gown, she came back with a night dress!

Where do whales go to get their teeth checked? To the orcadontis!

An old man saw a very tired infantryman resting after a hard foot march. The man said with disdain: "When I was of your age I thought nothing of a ten-mile hike." "Well, I don't think much of it either," replied the GI.