I know this isn't a joke, but I really need help. I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision. I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. The usual signs - phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently, although when I ask which girls, it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive, although I can hear a car setting off, as if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was, and she went beserk and screamed that I

It is illegal to stick coins in your ears in the state of Hawaii.

A man's life is difficult to understand, when born he struggles to get out of the vagina and then tries the rest of his life to get in!!!

'How long will the next bus be?' 'About eighteen feet.'

Marigold, I'm sorry. I hacked into xizle's account 'cause I'm a stupid mother fuckin' piece of shit!!

Yo Momma so short, you can see her feet on her driving licence!

A calendar – something that goes in one year and out the other.

A taxi driver, driving a Mercedes-Benz, picked up a rather simple looking fellow at the airport one day. When the gentleman got in and they started on their way he enquired what the three pinned emblem on the front was for. The driver replied, "Why, it's for lining it up at people so you can run them down." "Ah, I see," said the man. With this the taxi driver starts heading straight for an elderly woman but at the last second swerves away. He hears a loud bang, he looks curiously over at the passenger who is hanging out of the car with the door wide open: "I thought you were going to miss there for a minute!"

Did your parents have any kids that lived?

Yo momma so fat, when she didn't have enough food, she rang 911.

What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Do you smell carrots?

A friend of mine and his family were taking a trip to the mall. On the way, their 18 month old son had a massive blow out poopy diaper. In the mall parking lot, the diaper was changed and put in a Dillard's bag. Embarrassed by the incredibly bad smell, the couple decided to leave the bag on the hood of the car to be thrown in a dumpster as opposed to a mall trash can. A couple of hours later when the family was returning to the car, they saw an old, beat up pick-up stop at their car. A young man jumped out and hurriedly threw the Dillard's bag into the cab. He got back in and the pick up sped off with what he thought was a mighty haul.