The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. When the guided tour arrived, a salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This baby here," he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. Ask it any question you wish and it will give you an intelligent answer." A smartass stepped forward and asked the computer, "Where is my father?" Immediately, the electronic gears went to work. Lights flashed, wheels buzzed and within seconds, a small card popped out. The card read, "Fishing Off Florida." "Ha!" laughed the smartass. "Actually, my father is dead! That was a trick question." The quick thinking salesman immediately replied that he was sorry the an

The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen. "Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer." One student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building." This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was in

Q. How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. None. It's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark. Don't worry about me...

Tech Support Just in case you think you are TC (technologically challenged). The following is an excerpt taken from a Wall Street Journal article: 1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. 2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. 3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS president Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story: On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect, indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at

A man walks into the bar and orders a round of beer for everyone. He even tells the bartender to pour himself one. So the bartender gives everyone the round and pours one for himself. He asks the man to pay, but the man says he has no money. The bartender is pissed so he beats up the man pretty bad then throws him out. The next day the same man walks back in and orders a round of beer for everyone and even tells the bartender to give himself one. The bartender thinks the man isn't stupid enough to do the same thing twice, so he does it and asks the man to pay. So the man says again he has no money. Again the man is beat up and thrown out. The next day the man comes back in and tells the bar

A man is at the gates of heaven, but his life was very borderline good and bad; so St. Peter decides to have a contest. He gives the choice of the man answering a question or asking a question. If the man cannot get the answer he's asked or St. Peter can't answer the question then the man gets into heaven. The man decides to ask. He takes a piece of paper, pokes 1000 holes in it, and puts it to his butt and farts. He then asks St. Peter, "Which hole did my fart come out of?" St. Peter replies, "That's easy; this one," and he points to a hole. The man smiles and says, "Nope! It came out of this one!" and he points to his ass.

A man walks into a bar and has a lot of drinks. He gets completely wasted. He mentions to the bartender that he has his girlfriend sitting in his new corvette outside so she can drive him home. While the bartender went outside to throw out the garbage he notices a corvette with a man and a woman making out in it. He goes back into the bar and tells the man to go check on his girl. The man leaves and comes back laughing and staggering a few minutes later. Confused the bartender asks what is so funny. The man replies, "My friend Bobby is so wasted he thinks he's me!"

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. They ask,"So Ma, how is it

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins." "What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team." The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets." "Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence", he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation." An hour later, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.