There's this couple and they've just been married. The man says to the wife, "I'm goin' hunting". She says, "Oh, no, your not, we are married now." The husband says to himself, "I've got to figure out a way to go hunting." So he goes out and buys his wife all this hunting equipment and gives it to his wife, so they can go hunting together. They finally go one weekend and the hunter puts his wife in the deer-stand and says, "Only shoot when you see a deer." She replies, "OK". So the hunter goes off to his stand and is hoping that the wife doesn't accidentally shoot herself. Suddenly, he hears a gun shot and quickly runs to find his wife. He looks up in the deer stand and does not se

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life." If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period. Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you. The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian. Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium. The Sherman tank was originaly called th

Chuck Norris' sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said, "Of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?" Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares. When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help. There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks. Chuck Norris' penis is a third degree blackbelt, and an honorable 32nd-degree mason. Chuck N

If a turtle loses its shell is it naked or homeless? If fire fighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight??? If nothing sticks to teflon, then how do they make teflon stick to the pan? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear seatbelts? If love is blind, then why is lingere so popular? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? If a black box flight recorder is never damaged in a plane crash, why dont they make the whole plane out of that stuff? Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? If most car accidents occur within 5 kilometers of home, then why doesnt every one just move 5 k's away? Why are psychics still working if th

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today." The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

You might be a redneck if for your prom you wore a strapless dress but wore a bra that wasn't.

Once I asked a guy, " Do you love me, or is that a banana in your pocket?"

I'll get a world record for this. It's fireproof. He's probably just hibernating. I'm making a citizen's arrest. So, you're a cannibal. Are you sure the power is off? Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it? I've seen this done on TV. These are the good kind of mushrooms. Let it down slowly. Rat poison only kills rats. Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town. It's strong enough for both of us. This doesn't taste right. Nice doggie. I've done this before. Well, we've made it this far. That's odd. Don't be so superstitious.

Jack hadn't been to a school reunion in decades. When he walked in, Jack thought he recognised a woman over in the corner, so he approached her and extended his hand in greeting. "You look like Helen Brown," he remarked. "Well", replied the angry woman, "you don't look so great in blue either!"

Knock-Knock. Who's There. OMG OMG who? OMG! How long has that cookie been in your Lunch Box?!

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album's gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it's pretty good. By the way, how's the golf?" Nicklaus replies, "Not too bad. I m not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that worked out now." "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie. "You play golf!?" asks Jack. Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years." "