Irvin is driving down the freeway to go to work when his cell phone rings. It's his wife: "Irving,I just heard on the news that there's a car going down the freeway in the wrong direction. Please try to be careful." "It's true,"Irving replies,"But not just one car- there are hundreds of them!"

What's a man's ultimate embarrassment? Having an erection, walking into a wall, and hurting his nose.

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT

A blonde laughs at a joke 3 times. When the joke is told, When the joke is explained, And 5 days later, when she gets it.

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities. A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee. "I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said. The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on

Q. What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail? A. I feel like a kid again!

Acme Rope, Inc. - Knot your ordinary company. Acme Mine Shafts - Drop in any time Acme Lollipops - One lick and you'll stick with us. Acme Light Company - We have lots of bright ideas. Acme Clown Make-up - Let us put a smile on your face. Acme Perfume Corp. - We love it when business stinks. Acme Air Conditioning - We show people how to chill out. Acme Toy Company - Our work is kids' play. Acme Perfume Company - Our work is all dollars and scents. Acme Almond Company - We're nuts! Acme Sheep Farm - Our mind is on ewe. Acme Calculators - We help you solve your problems. Acme Flower Bulbs - We root for you. Acme Psychologists - Visit us and you won't go away mad! Acme Poultry Ma

"Ahhhh..." "Mike! What's wrong?" "I-I had a nightmare." "What was the nightmare?" "I-I-" "Yes?" "I-I-" "Spit it out!" "I-I went to heaven."

Did you hear about the cannibal who was late to dinner? He got the cold shoulder.

Why did the boy sprinkle sugar underneath his pillow that night? He wanted to have sweet dreams.

Why did our founding fathers expressed equality, but the constitution says people born in other countries can't be president?

rudeness - someone who keeps talking while your are trying to interrupt.