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How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfie. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, they would each get to choose the method by which they would die. Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging. The American was afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged, so he chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened, so they set him free. The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and didn't want to be

A 100 year old man sits on the edge of his bed on the day of his 100th birthday. He looks down at his feet and says "well feet, you're 100 years old today!" He then looks at his hands and says, "well hands, you are 100 years old today." He goes into the bathroom, looks in the mirror, and says, "well face, you are 100 years old today." He then goes over to the toilet to relieve himself, and looks down at his penis and says, "Well old buddy, if you would have made it, you would have been 100 years old today!"

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer, Olive? Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names." What's the most popular wine at Christmas? "I don't like sprouts"!

How Smart Is Your Right Foot? This is so funny that it will boggle your mind, and you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot - but you can't! 1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it. 2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.. Your foot will change direction! I told you so.. And there is nothing you can do about it!

Q: What is the difference between a plate and a booger? A: The plate is on the table, but the booger is under the table. Q: What is the difference between a prince and a booger? A: The prince is the heir to the throne, but the booger is thrown to the air.

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd: "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure!" The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell-phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets wi

Cock-a-doodle-doo, it's time for chicken, Cock-a-doodle-doo, it's time for a feast, Eat a ninety-piece bucket then you can tell, He's been to Cluckin' Bell! Chicken is a bird with a tiny brain, So we assume he doesn't feel any pain. We shrink their heads and we breed 'em fast; Six wings, forty breasts and then they're gassed. Cock-a-doodle-doo we're psychotic crazies, Cock-a-doodle-doo factory farming's insane. We denied it all before our stock price fell, Come down to Cluckin' Bell!

A man has been down on his luck and has not been with a woman for a very long time and to make matters worse he only has 2 dollars to his name. He goes to a local brothel and asks the owner if he can have a good time there for 2 dollars. "2 dollars, I don't think so, beat it!" says the owner The guy starts to cry and goes on to explain all that has been going on in his life. The owner says "ok buddy, give me the 2 dollars and go to the second floor 3rd door on the right" The man hands over his 2 dollars and goes to the room and when he enters the only thing in the room is a chicken. He ponders it for a bit looks around the room carefully to make sure no one is watching, once he finds o

Yo Momma is like a TV; Even a 4 year old could turn her on.

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls 50 feet to the ground below and he is killed instantly. After the coroner leaves with Steve's body, Bob volunteers to inform Steve's wife of the terrible news. Some two hours later, Bob returns to the work site with a six-pack of beer under his arms. "Say, Bob, where did you get the six-pack?" "Steve's wife gave it to me!" "What! You just told her that Steve died and she gave you a six-pack?" "Well, before I broke the news to her, I asked her if she was Steve's widow. She said she wasn't, so I said I'd bet her a six-pack she was!"