Your face is so ugly, we're going to war over it.

Yo Momma so hairy, she got afros around her nipples!

gun(which shoots bees)

"Doctor, please, I have a problem pronouncing Ts, Fs and Hs!" "Well then, you can't say fairer than that."

From a contractor: "Whoever worked on this before sure knew what he was doing." "I think I came in a little high on that estimate." From my dentist: "I think you're flossing too much." "I won't ask you any questions until I take the pick out of your mouth." From a restaurant server: "I think it's presumptuous for a waiter to volunteer his name, but since you ask, it's Tim." "I was slow and inattentive. I cannot accept any tip." From a store clerk: "The computerized cash register is down. I'll just add up your purchases with a pencil and paper." "I'll take a break after I finish waiting on these customers." "We're sorry we sold you defective merchandise. We'll pick it up at your

Sam and Abe, in their late seventies, first met years ago in the second grade. Their relationship now is mostly playing cards, telling jokes and making bets. Sam calls Abe and says, "I got a bet for you: I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars!" Abe says, "How can that be? If you knew anything about biology, you ..." Sam interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard, ...a thousand dollars, ...yes or no!!" Abe says, "Okay, okay, I'll take your bet! How long is yours soft?" Sam says, "Eleven years!"

I was walking around and I saw somebody selling a shirt that said this: F.B.I. Female Body Inspector

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that darned gun!'"

There was a cargo shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa. It suddenly had a malfunction, and crashed in the jungle. A few days later, Pepsi sent a rescue plane to search for the plane and crew. They found the wreckage, but were not able to locate the crew. They searched the area and met with a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash. The Chief nods and simply says, "Yes...seen plane crash". When asked where the crew was, the Cheif replyed, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi!" The Rescue crew was shocked. Another man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi!" An

"Is that right, that you Dubliners always answer a question with another question?" "Now, who would be telling you that?"

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