"I Give Evolution Two Opposable Thumbs Up."

Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator. Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't kno

You Know You're Addicted to AIM When... 1.) Three words: Carpal tunnel syndrome 2.) You no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences... 3.) You're pissed off your buddy list can only hold 200 screen names. 4.) You begin to say hehehe instead of laughing. 5.) You can now type over 70 words per minute. 6.) You type messages to people who are right next to you or on the phone with you. 7.) You won't work at a company that blocks AIM 8.) You sign on and immediately get 10 messages from other people 9.) You have a couple screen names, some of them secret. 10.) You type in random screen names, just to see if anyone has them. 11.) Your screenn

1. Stand perfectly still at the front window until someone on the street notices you. Quickly pull the blinds down, then, seconds later, peer around the blinds at them. Proceed until they a) Go away, or b) Call the police. 2. Play the same CD on every stereo in the house at once. Try to synchronize them. 3. SCARE YOUR PETS!!! Then cuddle them. THEN SCARE THEM AGAIN!!! Then cuddle them. Ahh, a nice, quiet cuddle--SCARE!!! No baby, it's okay... SCARE!!! If they run away, they'll be back, for food; make sure you're ready for action when they return. 4. Sit on the front porch with a bottle of scotch. Yell abuse at pedestrians. Say nonsense. Wave your arms. Yell. For bonus points, colour a too

Once the head teacher of a primary school walked into a classroom and started firing questions at the students. Head Teacher: "Who made the world?" The students shivered with fright but no one answered. Head Teacher: "Children,I asked, WHO MADE THE WORLD?" The teacher's voice was getting louder and the kids were freaking out. The head teacher banged his fist on the front desk and yelled: "I SAID, WHO MADE THE WORLD?" One of the students on the front seat yelled out in fright, "OH PLEASE SIR, IT WASN'T ME!"

These are actual announcements from church... 1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 2. Tuesday at 4:00 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early. 3. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed", accompanied by the pastor. 4. Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study. 5. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Smith to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. 6. The service will clo

Once there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his father. Looking at his dad's hands, the boy says, "Papa, you do many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers." "Wella Tony," Papa said, "You see this first finger? You use this one to point to where ever you want to. You see your thumb? You use it to turn pages in a book, and your ring finger, you will use when you get married, and your little finger, you use to pick your nose. And the middle finger, well, I'll tell you about that one when you get married." Little Tony was satisfied with that and time passed. It was now Tony's wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding and just before he was leaving with his bride, Tony

Why is it called a soap opera when nobody sings? Can a unborn baby fart or burp? If a General is a higher ranking officer than a Major, then why is a major illness worse than a general illness? Why don't they make Root Beer flavored ice cream? Wouldn't it be better than root beer floats? What is the point in saying "may I ask" and then follow it up with a question? Is it possible to be allergic to water? When an atheist swears on a Bible before they testify in court, do they have to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth since they don't believe in God? If a pack of gum says that each piece is 10 calories, is that amount just chewing the gum, or also for swallowing it? W

Bees can't sting... The woman you like at work said yes... An Irishman walked out of a bar... I met a blonde with a brain... Kids are nice... Is there a Weed League?... Farts and flowers in the same sentence... I like Bill Gates... Lawyers have integrity... The lightbulb finally went on in Al Gore's head... Doctors don't fraternize with their nurses... Woman as president... Bill Clinton told the truth... Jeff Foxworthy in a suit... Priests involved with scandal admit what they did... Golf is not dull... Microsoft is better than Linux... Yo mamma is skinny, smart, and cleanly... People will like this joke... (I have included one for each category)

Droughts happen because God didn't pay his water bill.

A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter. He asks her to "go downtown" so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business. After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice, "Well, just what are you doing?" She replies, "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money!!"

What did one penny say to another penny? Let's get together and make cents