Age 6 - I've learned that if you spread the peas out on your plate, it looks like you ate more. Age 8 - I've learned that if you laugh and drink soda pop at the same time, it will come out your nose. Age 10 - I've learned that you should never jump out of a second story window using a sheet for a parachute. Age 11 - I've learned that if you want to get even with someone at camp, you rub their underwear in poison ivy. Age 13 - I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. Age 16 - I've learned that when my parents are in a bad mood, it's best to agree to everything they say or things get nasty.

The first typewriter was called the "literary piano." Frogs can't swallow with their eyes open. A duck's quack doesn't echo. August has the highest percentage of births.

A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die. Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and commanded him, "Tell me when you will die!" The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him immediately, no matter what answer he gave. "I do not know when I will die," he answered finally. "I only know that when I die, you will die two days later."

I was at home one day when my son walked in on me and my husband.He said "Momma i found this moving around on the floor".(holding up my vibrator)I said "huh?"he asked if he could play with it...I said sure not knowing what it was at the time....I come out of my room go in his and its in his ass. Needless to say,he has watched me.

You might be a redneck if you eat cotton candy more than three times a week.

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead. Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead . Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation,"What can you learn

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the

You can fool all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, and that should be sufficient for most purposes.

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

Attending her first confession, the new nun tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. "Sister Dominique," the priest says, your secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional." "Father," she says, "I never wear underwear under my habit." With a little chuckle, the priest says, "That is not too serious, Sister Dominique. For penance, say three Hail Marys, three Our Fathers and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."

Two young cowboys - aged six and four - walked into the pretend bar for a drink. The older cowboy thumped his fist on the pretend bar and said to the pretend bartender, "Bartender, gimme a rye whiskey!" The younger cowboy was not to be outdone. "Yeah, and make mine a whole wheat!"

A woman wasn't feeling well, so she asked a co-worker if she could recommend a doctor. "I know a very good doctor, but he is quite expensive. He charges $350 for the first visit, and $150 for each subsequent visit, but he really is quite good," replied the co-worker. The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to pull a fast one and save herself some money, she cheerfully announced, "I'm back!" Not fooled for a moment, the doctor gave her a quick exam and said, "Very good; now just continue the treatment I prescribed for you on your last visit."