Yo momma's so ugly, she turned medusa to stone!

Have I ever told you about my uncle Jeffy? Well, as a kid my uncle Jeffy lost all of his hair, and everyone thought he was sick, so he went to a doctor. The doctor told him "Jeffy, you are not sick." He was right because, later in life, Jeffy was in school and walked through a wall! It turned out Jeffy had magical powers! He then got a pet dragon and learned how to fly. We go visit Uncle Jeffy at the Mental Institution every 1st of the month.

1. Watch yourself eating in front of a mirror. If you're put off, that's the view your future partner will have... 2. Live on your own. It's important that you find out what a hopeless slob you are before your beloved tells you. And then leaves you... 3. Go out with your friends for a "quick drink" and stagger home three days later... 4. Have a holiday romance with someone who doesn't speak a word of English. Who needs conversation? 5. Women: Take the soft toys off your bed. Nothing turns a man off more than performing in front of an audience of beady-eyed teddies... 6. Men: Get rid of those "How to Get Girls Even Though You're Poor and Ugly' books. They never work anyway... 7. G

What's known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn't use its full name, which happens to be "Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division". Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol. The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings. There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious. Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful. The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team w

Both of the following men have cheated on their wives and have decided to take it to the Lord. One is a gangster and one is a Christian. This is their prayers.... Christian husband: Dear Father Son and Holy Ghost, I have sinned and am so sorry. I cheated on my wife with her best friend. Please allow my wife to forgive me for it was a long night and I didn't mean to hurt her. Amen Gangster husband: Waz up Pops Pops Jr. and Spooks, I cheated on my women last night. She is pissed off but I have a good reason for my actions. You see I'm a pimp in my old town and one of my leading ladies was having some trouble so you know, Lil' Willy down there make it all better. Well, my woman found out so

yo momma's so fat, her blood type is rocky road.

Yo mamma's so fat, when she went to the zoo elephants called her mom.

There once was a man who had been in a depressed state for months. His dog that he'd had since childhood ran away, his fiancé ran off the day before their wedding with a woman, he was working a job that was totally unfulfilling, and his house was robbed and his most valuable possesions were plundered. One day, he decided to just end his meaningless existence. He wished to kill himself in the most painful way he could think of. That night, he drove to the zoo, which was closed at that time. The guy simply climbed over the gate at the entrance, unknowingly alerting the half-drunk security officer who was sitting in the ticket window. The man walked over and found the pit where the vicious l

At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been cancelled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"

My 4 year old brother just had a birthday. At his birthday party he invited all his friends and a clown for the entertainment. The clown didn't have too many options for entertaining 4 year olds, so he figured a nice game of Simon Says would be fun. "Simon says, 'Point to your nose.'" The children all do it and he continues. "Simon says, 'Point to your head.'" Again they all do. "Sit down." All those who sat down are out. "Simon says, 'Point to your lip.'" Trying to end this silly game and go on with his pathetic life, "Point to your eye." "OWWWWW!!!" Yep. They lost.

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for man kind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he reentered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American Space Programs. Over the years many people questioned Mr. Armstrong as to what the "Good Luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Mr. Armstrong always just smiled

A family was eating out at a restaurant. The waiter who had been standing by them said in quite an upset manner "Well I guess I'm gonna go home, make myself a cold tuna sandwich, watch the news, and then cry myself to sleep again." The mother of the family looks at him in pity and says " would you like to join us?" The waiter shouts back, "Did you not just hear me?! I have an evening planned!"