I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy. Mental backup in progress - Do not disturb! The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! Black holes are where God divided by zero. If you can't read this, you're illiterate. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean. Editor's note: Mean can mean both not nice but another definition is average.

This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears a whistle: "Whooee da Whoee!" He sees something coming towards him, but doesn't know what it is. Predictably, he's hit - but, only a glancing blow - and is thrown to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the closet and proceeds to batter and

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife: "You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow, push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell." "Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?" "You're coming empty handed?"

A ninety-year-old man living in a rest home was granted a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar, sat at the end, and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy-year-old woman at the other end of the bar, and told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As the evening progressed, the old man joined the lady, and they went to her apartment, where they got stinky and wrinkly. Four days later, the old man noticed that he had developed a drip, and headed to the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently. The old man said, "Sure!" The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived. "Sure, w

Why did Julie lose the race? Because Jodie won!

A pregnant woman was taking a shower and her three year old daughter said,"Mommy, you're getting fat!"And the mother replied,"That because a baby is growing in my tummy."To which the daughter said,"Yeah,but what's growing in you butt?"

Yo Momma so ugly, she walks down the street and a little boy says,"look Mommy, there's Shrek!"

2,500 left handers die each year using products designed for right handers. Most people hear better with their right ear. Animals that lay eggs don't have belly buttons. Honey bees are the only insects that create a form of food for humans.

You might be a redneck if you carry more than two extra tires in the back of your truck.

How you get rid of grey hairs: 1. Dye all your hair the color grey. 2. Shave your head. 3. Now you have no grey hairs.

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door. "An' wot's this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins. "You dumb dog." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket. The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best ground beef. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day. The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scal