Jr: This year I failed every class except biology. Mary: How did you do that? Jr: Easy, I didn't take biology

1. Walk to your neighbor's house and ask in your best British accent, "May I borrow a cup of pants?" 2. Go over to a friend's house, take off your shirt, put on one of theirs and leave. 3. When a telemarketer calls, say, "Welcome to Hell! Satan speaking, how may we reap your soul today?" 4. Randomly say quotes from the movie Anchorman out of context. 5. Wake up really early. Sneak into your neighbor's house, get the newspaper, brew up some coffee, make breakfast, and wait for him to see you. Then scream and promptly exclaim, "What are you doing in my house?!?!?!"

In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece. When she was done, one of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?" Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!"

The crowd had cornered a woman and was preparing to stone her. Jesus raised his hand and spake, "Let he among you who is without sin cast the first stone." From the back of the crowd a small woman picked up a huge rock and staggered toward the poor victim. Jesus pointed a finger at her and said, "Stop it MOM! I was just trying to make a point!"

Confucius say: Sperm sample from Nobel Prize winner is stroke of genius.

My dad has always told me that putting in a little effort and dedication on the job never hurt anyone. Then again, he never heard of worker's comp.

Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about; Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they "slept lik

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means death. Dihydrogen monoxide: * is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain. * contributes to the "greenhouse effect." * may cause severe burns. * contribute

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"Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is," Kathy said. Chuck asked her what it was, and she told him there was water in the carburettor. Chuck thought for a moment, then said, "You know, I don't mean to be offensive, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator." "No, there's definitely water in the carburettor," Kathy insisted. "OK honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?" "In the lake!" she said.

The little cowboy, Shorty, was leaving the bar to get on his horse for the ride back to the ranch, when he noted that someone had painted his horse's balls blue. Totally pissed, he went back into the bar and shouted, "Who's the dirty son of a bitch that painted my horse's balls blue?!" A big burly guy stood up and said, "I did. Got a problem with that?" "None," says Shorty, "just wanted to let you know he was dry and ready for the 2nd coat."

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean. Editor's note: Mean can mean both not nice but another definition is average.