I ran into an old buddy the other day. He was a rising entrepreneur, but now he looked down and out. What gives? He begins wailing his tale. "I had a restaurant out there on the interstate, you know. Spent a fortune on a new high-rise sign to attract traffic. It did, too. It read 'free cocktail with dinner!' The 'cocktail' was flashing red neon. Was it impressive!" "Sounds like a good idea. So what went wrong?" "Oh, the county took notice, inspection crews come out, I'm harassed all the time by the Planning department, the churches in the neighborhood have filed compaints-" "Hey, I thought you ran a stand-up operation out there." "I did. Half my flashing red neon burned out!" "Oh

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser, with an experienced partner. A call came in, telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner, people." A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" "Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."

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I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked "Electronic cat and dog caller -- guaranteed to work." I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener.

Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO? A: I don't know, I've never seen either. Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? A: (1)No mind (2)No business

Yo momma's so old, if she's not wearing a bra, it looks like she has four legs.

Beans, beans, good for the heart. The more you eat, the more you fart. The more you fart, the better you feel. So eat some beans with every meal.

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK. It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere - even sitting in an armchair by the fire - yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disk. Here's how it works: each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which

How does the butcher introduce his wife Meat Patty

One day, a six year old blonde came up to her mother and said: "When I grow up, I want to be a Hillary Duff, she's amazing!" lol, only a blonde would say that.

The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer, so the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why. "I'll tell you why," shouted Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register." "Well," interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them?" "Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown. "However, you sent us golf pencils; each stamped with the words, `Play Golf Next Sunday.'"

A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound. "Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked. Cindy put her hand up and said "Moooo!" "Very good" replied the teacher,"what sound do sheep make?" "Baaaa" answered Jimmy. She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?" All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Johnny at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall you son of a bitch!!"