Demetrius: "Villain, what hast thou done?" Aaron: "That which thou canst not undo." Chiron: "Thou hast undone our mother." Aaron: "Villain, I have done thy mother."

A woman's child said, "Yo Mama, I hate you because you made me a boy, not a girl!" The woman said, "Wait! If you were a girl, someone would have to cut into you to get your baby!" The child said "Have you lost your mind?! I want the baby to know that she/he was from me!"

An Orthodox, a Conservative, and a Reform rabbi are each asked whether one is supposed to say a brokhe (blessing) over a lobster (non-kosher food, normally not eaten by religious Jews). The Orthodox rabbi doesn't know what a "lobster" is. The Conservative rabbi doesn't know what to say. The Reform rabbi says, "What's a brokhe?"

Milk production at a dairy farm was low so the farmer wrote to the local university, asking help from academia. A multidisciplinary team of professors was assembled, headed by a theoretical physicist, and two weeks of intensive on-site investigation took place. The scholars then returned to the university, notebooks crammed with data, where the task of writing the report was left to the team leader. Shortly thereafter the farmer received the write-up, and opened it to read on the first line: "Consider a spherical cow in vacuum. . . ."

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the butcher

Dear Abby: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese? Dear Abby: What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR? Dear Abby: I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his. Dear Abby: I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough t

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend has a huge penis. "Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims. "I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it." "What do you mean?" Jim asked. "Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it." Jim agrees and the two say good bye. A few weeks later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was. Jim replied, "I did what you said but my penis has actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!" "Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day wit

AA and AA

A woman, who had just been married to a gambling man, had learned upon marrying him that he always came home well after midnight. She didn't like this one bit, and no amount of reasoning with him would make him miss a night out with the guys, so every night for a week she would stay up till he came home, and when she heard him enter the house she would call out: "Is that you, Ben?" She did this for a week, and then he started coming home promptly at 7:00 every night. Why, you might ask? His name was Jacob.

Yo momma's so fat when she stepped on the scale she said, "Wow, that's my phone number!"

From a San Diego Father who has identified 35 truths he learned from his children: There is no such thing as childproofing your house. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. A 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20' room. Baseballs make marks on ceilings. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up several times before you get a hit. You should not thro

These are just a few of those typical sexist jokes- they make me chuckle ( or groan) so ya know- I'm a girl : ) *what's worse than a male chauvinist pig? - A woman who won't do what she's told. *I married Mrs. Right- I just wish I'd known her first name was Always * * How many men does it take to open a beer? -None. It should be open by thetime she brings it * What is the best way to always remember your wife's birthday? - Forget it once