With a man soon to celebrate his 50th wedding anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Pete to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to maintain his marriage with the same woman all these years. The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions." The minister inquired "Trips to where?" "For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China." The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Pete. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary." Pete: "I'm going back to go get her."

On one side of the world, a man is given a blowjob by a 80-year-old woman. On the other side of the world, a stuntman attempts the unattemptable: Tiptoeing on a stretched cord between two skyscrapers. What are they both thinking? "Don't look down, don't look down, don't look down, don't look down..."

There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrnog.

I knocked several times, but you weren't in. - Opportunity

Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, waiting for you to come home," she said. "What an example of devotion," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?" "Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

Once there were two farmers; one had a daughter and the other had a son. When their kids were teenagers they started dating, and the two farmers encouraged it. One day the girl's father went over to the other farmer's house and said that he didn't want their children dating any more. The boy's father asked, "Why not?" The other farmer said, "Come here and I'll show you." In his yard was the girl's name written in pee in the snow. The boy's father said, "Oh, come on, that's just boy stuff." The other farmer said, "You think I don't know my own daughter's handwriting?"

Back in the days of the Mattel Cabbage Patch Kid craze it was usually very hard to get one for the kiddies. A radio station (I don't know where) announced that Mattel was going to get Cabbage Patch Kids out to the people of this particular city. The plan was that they had to go to the football field of the local university and wait. An airplane would fly overhead and the dolls would be dropped onto the field. People were supposed to hold their credit cards up so that a photographer with a telephoto lens in the airplane could get the credit card numbers and charge the price of the dolls to the recipients' accounts. People actually showed up, waving American Express cards in the breeze.

It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door. "Please let me in," says the man desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one." "Okay," says the butcher, "let me see what I have left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man. "That one is too skinny. What else have you got?" says the man. The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man. "Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You'd better give me both of them

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, he goes back to his room and orders a pizza. Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up at the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?" The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on pizza what you order: pepper only."

One Sunday morning, a man attended the service at the local church. He was so moved by the preacher's sermon that he stopped to shake his hand. "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I have ever heard," the man said. "Thank you, sir," the Reverend replied, "but I must ask that you not use profanity in the Lord's house." "Sorry, Reverend, I just can't help myself," said the man, "that was just such a damn good sermon." "Sir, please," replied the Reverend. "Again I ask you not to use profanity in church." "Okay, Reverend," the man said. "I just want you to know that I thought it was so damn good that I put $5000 in the collection plate." "No shit!" exclaimed the Reverend.

Marg and Sam invited a couple over for a evening of bridge. "Sam," Marg said, "this is the last couple that will ever accept an invitation to come to our house. If you dare to do anything to offend them tonight, I will crucify you!" After they played for a while, Marg went into the kitchen to get some refreshments. When she returned, she saw that Sam was sitting at the table by himself. She put the tray down and said, "What did you do to run them off this time?" "I didn't do anything," Sam replied. "We were just sitting here and a mouse ran across the floor. Sue looked at me and said that we can get rid of mice by shoving steel wool into their little holes. All I asked was, 'How do you ho