Yo momma is so fat, I got stuck in her shadow.

In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece. When she was done, one of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?" Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!"

Your mama is so old, her breast-milk is powder!

"Doctor, please, I have a problem pronouncing Ts, Fs and Hs!" "Well then, you can't say fairer than that."

Why aren't dogs allowed in the White House? They might pee on the Bush!

Did you know that 61.8 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot?

Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one's enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself. Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver. Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka. Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install. Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in

A normally sweet Great Dane, Psil, has one quirk: she hates United Parcel Service drivers. While walking Psil one day, around the corner of a house came a UPS man. Struggling to keep hold of Psil, the owner, trying to ease the situation, said, "As you can see, he just loves UPS men." "Don't you feed him anything else?" he responded.

Yo mamma is so fat that when she goes to the beach she's the only one that gets a tan!

A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help. Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders. Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direct

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that darned gun!'"

If it weren't for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for everybody.