Q: What is orange, red, and lies in the grass? A: A wounded cheesie!

If you were a boy and your parents named you dick. Wouldn't you be embarassed and change your name officially?

I love it when you go down on me... you relieve so much tension and stress... but when you're making me feel really good, you come back up... Stupid gas prices...

Teacher: Whats usually used as the conductor of electricity? Orville: Why-er.... Teacher: Correct, wire. Now tell me, what is the unit of electrical power? Orville: The what? Teacher: That's absolutely right, the watt.

Your face is so oily, we're going to war over it.

One time I went school shopping... AND BOUGHT THREE SCHOOLS!!!

Why is it that every time we blow our noses, we look inside the tissue afterwards? Are we expecting something other than boogers? Or are we checking to make sure they have not run off?

Don't call yourself by your real name: e.g., The Incredible Jenny Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster. Don't call yourself by someone else's real name: e.g., Super Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin. Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess: e.g., Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman. Don't be too modest: e.g., Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-so, Fairly Incredibleman, Captain Invincible on a good day. But don't labor the point: e.g., Mr. So-Powerful-Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy. Don't choose a name detrimental to your crime fighting image: e.g.,Captain Spongecake, Mr. Silly, Yellow Streak, Purple Slippers, Captain Sweetiepie. Don't choose the name of

You know you're screwed when you fall in love with a woman you see at the mall, then realize that she is your sister.

Mr. and Mrs. Wong are a married couple who live in China. After being married for three years, they decided to have a baby. They ended up having a baby girl with mental disabilities. They named her 'Somting Wong'.

I ran into an old buddy the other day. He was a rising entrepreneur, but now he looked down and out. What gives? He begins wailing his tale. "I had a restaurant out there on the interstate, you know. Spent a fortune on a new high-rise sign to attract traffic. It did, too. It read 'free cocktail with dinner!' The 'cocktail' was flashing red neon. Was it impressive!" "Sounds like a good idea. So what went wrong?" "Oh, the county took notice, inspection crews come out, I'm harassed all the time by the Planning department, the churches in the neighborhood have filed compaints-" "Hey, I thought you ran a stand-up operation out there." "I did. Half my flashing red neon burned out!" "Oh

In a messed up family, the child named Hope is goth, and the child named Faith is atheist.