Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball. "I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition." "Batted .007," his wife added.

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Never trust google! why? follow the instruction below and you'll get what I mean Please do it right now and see the blunder made by google. 1. Open google 2. Click 'language tools' link. 3. Write "Linda's mom is very nice" in 'Translate text:' textbox. 4. Select "English to Spanish" in the below combo. 5. Press Translate and wait for translation. 6. Now copy the translated text from the above text and paste it in the 'Translate text:' textbox. 7. Select "Spanish to English" in the below combo. 8. Press Translate and wait for translation. 9. Enjoy. Copy paste below's URL to go to translator page of google: http://www.google.com/language_tools?hl=en

Why was the baby ant afraid of his uncles? Because his uncles were all ants!

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to." 8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!" 7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm." 6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance." 5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?" 4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 3. "The coffee machine is broken." 2. "Someone must've

ere is a chasm of carbon and silicon the software can't bridge. Yesterday it worked Today it is not working Windows is like that To have no errors Would be life without meaning No struggle, no joy You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here. No keyboard present Hit F1 to continue Zen engineering? Hal, open the file Hal, open the damn file, Hal Open the file, please Hal Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped. The ten thousand things How long do any persist? Netscape, too, has gone. Rather than a beep Or a rude error message, These words: "File not found

For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth. For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it. For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body. For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat. For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock. For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is de

My American History teacher was giving a lecture about the first three presidents. A lot of people in my class can't remember presidents very well. "You all are brainwashed," he said. Of course, there was confusion in the room at this comment. "Let me demonstrate," he continued, "'I'm Cuckoo for...'" "Cocoa Puffs!" the class replied. "You don't know the ninth president of the United States, but you know that you are 'Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.'" Then, this one guy in my class said, "If the presidents were finger-lickin' good, we'd remember 'em."

All of these are legitimate companies dealing in regular products and services, but they (obviously) didn't think their domain names through. Some of them are prime candidates for the "What was I thinking?" Award.... ALL these websites actually exist, selling something totally benign (and work-safe, in case you're wondering). 1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name is: www.whorepresents.com 2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at: www.expertsexchange.com 3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at: www.penisland.net 4. Need a therap

Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. The guitarist holds the bulb and the world revolves around him!

In an open interview between our correspondant and world genius and sex machine Bill Gates, the following rather illuminating answers were provided. Q: Is it true that Microsoft wants to destroy all other software makers everywhere? A: Yes. Some think not, because if Apple & IBM quit, Microsoft would have no one to copy from. In fact, if Mac and OS/2 were gone we would never have to update Windows again anyway, and we wouldn't even have to pay for a programming staff to rearrange pirated code. Q: Windows machines use the same monitors as everyone else. Why does Windows look so crude and blocky and ugly? A: Good graphics take a lot of work. Designed with pride, they add greatly to the u

Knock Knock Who's there? Dennis What is Den? My name is Dennis What is Den? Den is like a mini barnyard or a mini house Oh!Anyways who are you? I am Dennis!! I forgot what den is again. ARGH!