If a kid asks where rain comes from, I tell him, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, I tell him, "Probably because of something you did."

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Q: Why did the scientist install a door knocker on his door and not a door bell? A: He wanted to win the No-Bell (Nobel) prize!

There's a blonde who goes to a pizza parlor. When she orders, she asks for her pizza to be cut up into 6 slices instead of eight. Why? A: She's not hungry enough to eat eight.

Known fact amongst all men: Having sex can help combat asthma and hay fever, now we need to inform all women!

"No one dies a virgin, life screws us all!"

An ejector seat on a helicopter. A fly screen on a submarine. An ashtray for a motorcycle. A lead balloon. A bikini for Eskimos. Sugar-cube fishing bait. A glass baseball bat..

Why did the boy sprinkle sugar underneath his pillow that night? He wanted to have sweet dreams.

What is black & white an red all over? A penguin holding its breath!

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3. Read less. Makes you think. 4. Watch more TV. You've been missing some good stuff. 5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow. 6. Stop bringing lunch from home: Eat out more. 7. Get in a whole NEW rut! 8. Spend your summer vacation in Cyberspace. 9. Don't eat cloned meat. 10. Create loose ends. 11. Get more toys. 12. Get further in debt. 13. Don't believe politicians. 14. Break at least one traffic law. 15. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet. 16. Don't swim with piranhas or sharks. 17. Associate with even worse business clients. 18. Spread out priorities beyond ability to

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