Baboons were once trained by Egyptians to wait on tables. A queen bee can lay 800-1500 eggs per day. The Popsicle was invented in 1905 by an 11-year-old boy. "Disco" means "I learn" in Latin.

Baby Brother Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?" His mother says, "Heaven, Johnny." Johnny says, "Geez, I can see why they threw him out."

At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo your country house caretaker" "Ah yes, Mr. Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died" "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?" "That's the one." "Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well...what did he die from?" "From eating rotten meat." "Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?" "Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses." "Dead horse? What dead horse Mr. Arnaldo?" "Why, those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart." "Are you insa

Q: What's red and goes up and down? A: A tomato in an elevator. Q: What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue? A: We have to stick together. Q: What do you say when you meet a two-headed monster? A: Hello, hello. Q: What do you call a sleeping bull? A: A bulldozer. Q: When is a baseball player like a thief? A: When he steals a base. Q: What did the can say to the can opener? A: You make me flip my lid. Q: What is a volcano? A: A mountain with the hiccups. Q: What do you find at the end of everything? A: The letter "g". Q: What did the elephant do when he hurt his toe? A: He called a toe truck. Q: Why do two skunks argue? A: Because they like to kick up a stink. Q: What

Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say -What do you mean today's our anniversary? -I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste. -Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends". -The new girl in my office is a stripper...I invited her over for dinner on Friday. -Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way. -I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow. -I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy! -That was a great fart! Do another one! -God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust! -I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. -Can we not talk to each other tonight? -I'd rather just watch TV. -

This is completely true! Okay, so it was after dinner and my sister, dad and I were at the table just kinda goofing off then my sister asked me this riddle: There is one man in a jungle, he reaches into his pocket and takes something out, it has a head and a tail but no body, yet he is not afraid. What was the thing he found in his pocket? I couldn't figure it out so my dad gave me a hint: you can flip it. I still could not figure it out. What do you flip? asked my dad. Then I was all like: A coin. A COIN! A COIN! THAT'S IT, A COIN!!! What can I say? I'm a blonde, but it doesn't count too much because I have dirty blonde hair and blonde and dirty blonde isn't the same thing.

Where do whales go to get their teeth checked? To the orcadontis!

Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head." His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."

A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound. "Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked. Cindy put her hand up and said "Moooo!" "Very good" replied the teacher,"what sound do sheep make?" "Baaaa" answered Jimmy. She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?" All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Johnny at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall you son of a bitch!!"

The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uhh...

How many Price Chopper employees does it take to wash a table? Three; one to wash it and two to supervise.

As the plane was flying low over hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?" "Just snow," replied the stewardess. "That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."