Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now." The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

Knock Knock! Who's There? Radio. Radio Who? Radio not, here I come!

Q: How do you get a blonde with one arm out of a tree? A: Wave to her

Some small ads that didn't quite come out right on paper - For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. For Sale - Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy. Great Dames for sale. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess. Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Do you smell carrots?

Questions that have Confused humankind!! Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt." Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a

21 Reasons Why Star Wars Is Better Than Titanic" 1. The Titanic is big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive. 2. Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water. 3. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose is just marriage bait. 4. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage. 5. When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can't say, "Look at the size of that thing!" and really mean it. 6. It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun. 7. Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed

Ben and Zero are talking when Ben says, "Hey, Zero, if you can tear this piece of paper in half, I'll give you a quarter." Zero then proceeds to tear the paper in half. Ben takes one of the halves, tears it in half, and gives it to Zero, saying, "Here's your quarter!" Zero wanders off, saying how neat that is and wouldn't it be great to find someone else to pull this on. He meets Tommy, and says, "If you can tear this piece of paper in half, I'll give you 25 cents..."

I joined a health club last year, spent about $400, and haven't lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show up.

A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home wearing only a flimsy negligee. As she walked, she would flip up her nightgown at people and say, "Supersex!!" She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

On a trip to see Santa, little Johnny climbed into St. Nick's lap and shared his wish list. Later that day, in another store, there was Santa again! "And what would you like for Christmas?" he asked little Johnny. Shaking his head, Johnny sighed, "You really need to write these things down."

How does the butcher introduce his wife Meat Patty