Ways To Annnoy Your Roommate Become a mime. Nothing is more annoying than a mime. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks." Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.

Isn't it scary that the word "therapist" is the same as the words "the" and "rapist" put together? Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another? On a telephone, why does ABC start on the number 2 and not 1? Do pigs pull ham strings? Do dumped farmers get John Deere letters? Why do radio operators say "niner" instead of just "nine"? Why do people say heads up when you should duck? Why did Superman wear his briefs on the outside of his tights? Does anyone actually kill two birds with one stone? Why do they call the clock where you punch your time card called a "time" clock? Aren't all clocks "time" clocks? Why does blow and suck mean the same thing when we describe something bei

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There's this couple and they've just been married. The man says to the wife, "I'm goin' hunting". She says, "Oh, no, your not, we are married now." The husband says to himself, "I've got to figure out a way to go hunting." So he goes out and buys his wife all this hunting equipment and gives it to his wife, so they can go hunting together. They finally go one weekend and the hunter puts his wife in the deer-stand and says, "Only shoot when you see a deer." She replies, "OK". So the hunter goes off to his stand and is hoping that the wife doesn't accidentally shoot herself. Suddenly, he hears a gun shot and quickly runs to find his wife. He looks up in the deer stand and does not se

The door bell rings, and a man answers it. Here stands Little Johnny, dressed well but plainly, who says, "Trick or Treat!" The man asks Johnny what he's dressed up like that for at Halloween. Little Johnny says, "I'm an IRS agent"; then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say Thank You.

IF I LOST A DOLLAR FOR EVERY BRAIN YOU HAVE, I WOULD BE IN DEBT

You Know You're From Westchester When... You go to a Dave Matthews Band concert and end up running into people you know from your school. Half the people in your school mysteriously develop inner-Queens accents during 7th and 8th grade. Starbucks is a regular stop for you. You say Abercrombie & Fitch makes you want to puke, yet you sport at least one outfit from the store each week NYU is your top choice for college. If you go to Catholic school, you know everyone at all the Catholic schools in Westchester. If you go to public school you still manage to know everyone at all the Catholic schools in Westchester. Below 1400 is a "so-so" SAT score You claim to hate your school, but

A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses, one for each year of her life. That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning. As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet. The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

Only in America can a President have relations in the oral office

Q: How can you find a blonde in a submarine? A: Simple, she would be the only one with a parachute on!

My 4 year old brother just had a birthday. At his birthday party he invited all his friends and a clown for the entertainment. The clown didn't have too many options for entertaining 4 year olds, so he figured a nice game of Simon Says would be fun. "Simon says, 'Point to your nose.'" The children all do it and he continues. "Simon says, 'Point to your head.'" Again they all do. "Sit down." All those who sat down are out. "Simon says, 'Point to your lip.'" Trying to end this silly game and go on with his pathetic life, "Point to your eye." "OWWWWW!!!" Yep. They lost.