Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly?

Q. How do you keep a jack ass in suspense? A. I`ll tell you tomorrow.

What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko.

Why did the blond have blisters on her lips? From trying to blow out lightbulbs!

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch codnutced at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,it deosn't mttaer waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are tpyed,the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit oedrer. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey ltteer by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

I often dream of the day when my car will be able to drive me home after a long hard day of work. That's about the time the driver next to me abruptly blows his horn telling me to wake up and get back into my own lane.

The perfect man and the perfect woman got married, had a perfect honeymoon, and got a perfect car. One day, they were driving along and Santa Claus was on the side of the road. His sleigh had broken down, and he needed a ride to the next town. The perfect couple were nice, and let him hitch a ride. Well, they were driving along when they crashed into a tree. Only one of them lived. Who? The perfect woman. Why? There is no such thing as Santa Claus, and God knows that there isn't any such thing as a perfect man! ;)

I have learned to not jump out the window with a towel as a parachute. ..never throw a boomerang if you don't know how to catch it. ..don't fly a kite while facing towards the wind. ..don't throw a cat on a dog. ..never leave a three year old alone with duct tape and glue ..don't let a friend make you laugh while eating unless he/she knows the heimlich maneuver. ..don't ditch school if you don't know the way back home

* This is a good reminder, for all of us. You can never read this too many times!! 1. Tip from police: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough, USE IT! 2. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you....chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION! 3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car: Kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you but everybody else will. This has saved lives. 4. Women have a tendency to get into thei

1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die from natural causes. 2. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world appear weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Ways To Annnoy Your Roommate Become a mime. Nothing is more annoying than a mime. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks." Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.