Why are there so many bananas in the West? Because the Westerners are descended from apes.

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant? A: With a blue elephant gun.

Two Rabbis were discussing their problems with squirrels in their synagogue attic. One Rabbi said they simply called an exterminator and they never saw the squirrels again. The other Rabbi said, "We just gave them all a bar mitzvah, and never saw the squirrels again."

Your mum's so fat, she jumped for joy and got stuck.

Child: Mum, can I wear those really nice jeans with the hole in the knee to church? Mother: No honey, you can't wear holy jeans to church!

Today's school kids are spending less time at recess than their predecessors. Experts say if the trends continues, future Congressmen may not have enough experience goofing off.

Q: What's the similarity between tyrannosaurus and blondes with an IQ greater then 200. A: Both are extinct.

Why did the teenager cross the road? Because his parents told him not to.

It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang. "Hello?" I said. A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?" I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored. I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?" "Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded. "I think he said he'd be home around 10:00." Silence on the other end... a confused silence. "Is this Steve?" My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number. So I replied, "Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?" "Well... he said he would be home toni

These two eggs had just been married and were on their honeymoon. While they were sitting on the bed making out, the female egg pushed the male egg away and said, "I just have to go to the bathroom. I'll be back in a minute." and off she went. Five minutes later, the male egg saw his sexy wife walk out in a slinky negligee, wiping her hands up and down her smooth, oval-shaped body. Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely. The female egg looked at him and asked what he was doing. He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon!"

Analogy of sex: Insert the 'quarter' into the 'vending machine' and then the 'gumball' comes out.

These are actual bumper stickers that were found on people's cars: The proctologist called; they found your head. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke off. Guys; just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me. Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date. Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people "Everybody But Me," Try not to let your mind wander, it's too small, it'll get lost. Welcome to America! Now, learn to speak English.