yo mama so hairy and fat, that when she went to a museum they yelled "the mammoth's alive!"

If at first you don't succeed...work for Microsoft.

DEAR DIARY: DAY ONE All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited. DEAR DIARY: DAY TWO Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man. DEAR DIARY: DAY THREE In the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive. DEAR DIARY: DAY FOUR Won $80 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not

Larry: Yo momma so old her birth certificate said expired! Jerry: You know, at least I have a mom!

Lesson 5: A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you th

9 = tails of a fox.

Mr. Lwin was staring at the cage in the zoo, watching the great cat pace back and forth. "I wonder what the tiger would say if it could talk," he said to the zookeeper. The zookeeper replied, "It would probably say, 'Hey dummy, I'm a cheetah!"

They're fat

The reason grandparents and children get along so well is really quite simple: They have a common enemy.

Those Wonderful Church Bulletins. The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".

yo momma is so ugly when she passed a horror movie filming the camera man said "Hey! No breaks, get back on set."

These danish chicks flash their hairy armpits, while they catch guys' reaction on candid camera. Scroll in a few minutes - it is hilarious http://www.dr.dk/pirattv/programmer/soestrene-bidsk/soestrene-bidsk-tester-angst-for-haar/