Rhett Jacobs, Democratic candidate for the South Carolina House and a man who listed "education" as his top priority, submitted a required campaign disclosure form in October, handwritten, on which he detailed expenses for "filling fee," "campain work" and "litature."

When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!

After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him -- and got a woman. "Is Mike there?" I asked. "He's in the shower," she responded. "Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up. When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said. "You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed. "I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."

After Receiving an Invitation to an Inventors' Ball: Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience. Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam. Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco. Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight. Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now must dash."

The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing yesterday.

Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to fine art.

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner, "Do your Shih Tzu dogs breed well?" The owner says,"Sure they do." After a minute, the man says, with a grin, "What about your bull dogs?" "Yes they breed well, too." The man, happy with this, buys both. The owner asks, "Why do you need to know that anyway?" The man replies, "I'm going to go home and breed a bullshit!"

Don't you have some laundry to do or something? Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off. You're just upset because your butt is beginning to spread. Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it? Shouldn't you consult the great Oprah on this one? Sorry. I was just picturing you naked. Whoa, time out. Football is on. Looks like someone had an extra bowl of B#%$@! flakes this morning! Is there any way we can do this via e-mail? Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.

Post rejected Braingle brain teasers here.

Yo Momma is so smelly that when she entered a pig sty, all the pigs had to evacuate...

This account of an aircraft accident is quoted directly from the National Transportation Safety Board report, with comments added in [brackets] for clarity. Aircraft: PIPER PA-34-200T, Registration: N47506 Injuries: 2 Fatal. The private pilot and a pilot rated passenger [two pilots] were going to practice simulated instrument flight. Witnesses observed the airplane's right wing fail in a dive and crash. Examination of the wreckage and bodies revealed that both occupants were partially clothed and the front right seat was in the full aft reclining position. [The pilots had converted the co-pilot seat to a bed.] Neither body showed evidence of seatbelts or shoulder harnesses being worn. [The

A young woman, flying home after Christmas, asked the priest sitting beside her if he would help her. "I will assist you if I can; what seems to be the problem?" he asked. The young woman said, "I have a very expensive, top of the range hairdryer which my mother gave me for Christmas; it is still unopened, and well over the Customs allowance. Could you carry it through Customs for me, under your robes, perhaps?" The priest said, "All right, I will help you, but I must warn you, I cannot lie." At the Customs desk, an official asked the priest, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official pondered for a moment, an